Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Netherlands will now use full body scanners on passengers headed to the USA. TV execs here are ecstatic, sensing a hot new reality series.

...Even the most liberal among us here in the States reluctantly admit they'd probably want to take a gander at Sarah Palin's scan.

...Mindful of how overweight so many Americans are, scanner operaters in the Netherlands will be provided with free anti-nausea pills when looking at the naked images.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Nigerian man on today's Northwest Amsterdam to Detroit flight caused more problems for the airline. Latest reports say he is not a terrorist, but was suffering from intestinal problems...and subtly confirming what so many of us already know: Northwest Airlines is sh*t.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Richard Heene, father of the balloon boy, has been sentenced. A Colorado judge says Heene must serve 90 days in jail and four years probation: two for the balloon hoax and two for excessive use of hair gel.

Singer Amy Winehouse was charged with assault Wednesday after an outburst while watching a play in London. An observer says she heckled cast members, kicked a theater employee in the groin and behaved “like a demonic child.” If found guilty, she could be fined, jailed, or move to the USA and run for senator from Connecticut.

…The theater employee was not seriously injured and told colleagues he’s fortunate that Winehouse didn’t strike him with her hair.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

First-term Alabama Congressman Parker Griffith is switching from Democrat to Republican. Observers speculate that if this doesn't get him more TV face time, he'll audition for reality shows and claim he slept with Tiger Woods.

...The only way he could get more love from the right-wing media is if he changed his name to Andy Griffith.

...Millions of Americans are now hoping for word that Joe Lieberman is becoming a Baptist.

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele is taking heat for receiving high speaking fees. The RNC says Steele is in complete compliance with the Republican credo, which states "Make as much money as you can, any way you can, and to heck with anyone who has a freakin' problem with that."

A new poll says Mississippi is home to the most religious people in the nation. Analysts attribute this to residents constantly looking around and saying "Uuuggghh, Dear God, look at this place!"

Alaska is home to the least religious people in the nation, according to a new report. Most Alaskans say they began questioning the existence of God right about the time Sarah Palin started speaking in public.

Monday, December 21, 2009

AP reports President Obama is naming Hispanics to top posts at a record pace. Conservatives say they’d do the same, but all posts would involve cleaning homes, offices or quickly assembling their burritos at Chipotle.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson is taking heat from both liberals and conservatives for his recent behavior in the health care debate. At this point, the only people willing to be seen in public with him are Joe Lieberman, the state dinner gate crashers and Tiger Woods' publicist.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

General Motors has confirmed that it gave Tiger Woods the Cadillac Escalade that he crashed last month. Stockholders were furious at first, then decided it was good news, shooting down the belief that GM can't even give the vehicles away.

Gillette will limit Tiger Woods' role in marketing. Woods is upset, reportedly recalling vividly that most of his paramours use Gillettte products...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Time magazine reports that college degrees are more expensive than ever, but worth less in the job market. When reached for comment at Walmart cashier counters, hundreds of theatre and broadcasting degree holders said, "Yeah, tell me about it."

Sunday, November 29, 2009

For the third time in as many days, Tiger Woods canceled a meeting with state troopers investigating his car accident alleged to be linked to a dispute with his wife. Many observers attribute this to the assumption that the two troopers could be the only people on earth who will not kiss his ass at the drop of a hat.

Senators Evan Bayh of Indiana and Jon Kyl of Arizona say authorities ought to pursue criminal charges against the Virginia couple who crashed last week's state dinner at the White House and such behavior should be strongly discouraged. At the very least, Democrat Bayh says offenders should be forced to try getting through the first four chapters of Sarah Palin's book.

...The couple is reportedly talking with broadcast networks about selling the rights to an interview about the incident for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Unidentified sources say the couple is familiar with such transactions, having sold their souls long ago.

A new Senate report says Osama bin Laden was unquestionably within reach of U.S. troops in 2001. Unfortunately, at the same time, a president who did anything but watch sports on TV and party with billionaire friends was never within reach.

New York State’s fiscal crisis is now expected to have to take another $10 million from the anti-smoking program to help balance the state budget. Observers are not yet sure how this will affect some politicians, who spend much of their time blowing smoke up our butts.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Jealous of all the attention Sarah Palin is getting with her new book "Going Rogue," New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver is reportedly working on an autobiography of his own: "Going Rugelach."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

CNN host Lou Dobbs announced today that he would be leaving the network effective immediately.

...He says he is considering a number of options for the next stage in his career, KKK Grand Dragon believed to be among them.

...Upon learning of the news, Wolf Blitzer asked for an extra half hour in make-up and much shinier hair.

...In a statement, CNN President Jon Klein hailed Dobbs and then began drooling and mumbling uncontrollably.

...CNN's prime-time ratings have plummeted in recent months. The network will replace Dobbs with a reality show where people compete to chop their own genitals off.

...Some have suggested that the answer to CNN's woes is to return to its roots of real journalism. Unfortunately, nobody there has any idea how to do that, so they'll just keep putting on a salacious circus and hope for the best.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Kraft Foods has begun a hostile takeover attempt for British candy maker Cadbury. Brits were reportedly frightened after getting a look at the bright orange color of the macaroni and cheese.

Monday, September 14, 2009

House Democrats plan to take up a resolution rebuking Republican Rep. Joe Wilson for his loud, obnoxious outburst during President Barack Obama's address to Congress last week. If the resolution passes, many hope the Dems will next attempt to rebuke hundreds of talk show hosts for their loud, obnoxious outbursts on AM radio stations all across America every day.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Touring together this summer, Billy Joel and Elton John postponed their Buffalo and Albany concerts this weekend after Joel came down with flu-like symptoms. John offered to make some chicken soup to help, as long as Joel promises not to drive over to get it.

Reacting to public fears of a possible pandemic, many European governments say they will fast-track the testing of a new flu vaccine. Most Americans aren't as worried, mainly because it's summer and they're too busy eating burgers, watching NASCAR races and burping.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

In a Tuesday press release, Dell Inc. said that the U.S. personal computer market has reached its low point but that the timing of a global turnaround in the technology industry remains anyone's guess. Reporters seeking additional information were unsuccessful. After 40 minutes on hold, an Indian guy claiming to be "Freddie" said he could only help with real easy tech support questions.

A Russian investment firm says Facebook is worth $6.5 billion to $10 billion. Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg is expected to comment as soon as he gets home from riding his skateboard around the neighborhood.

Doctors say a British girl's heart has healed itself after a transplant. Researchers are amazed and say further studies are needed to see if this would also work in America on right-wing talk show hosts.

French travel agencies have launched insurance coverage for unwanted interruptions to the sunshine. Similar plans are not expected to be offered for those visiting the Buffalo, Rochester and Syracuse areas of New York State, ever.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

News reports this evening say Michael Jackson's final resting place remains a mystery. Much like his interim noses.

An advertising executive taken from his burning home after holding his ex-wife hostage in a 13-hour standoff with police was arraigned Wednesday while lying in a Connecticut hospital emergency room. In lieu of speaking with investigators, he is expected to explain his actions using a catchy jingle and resonant voiceover announcer.

Monday, June 29, 2009

David Ebersman, a former executive at biotech firm Genentech, was named Monday as Facebook's chief financial officer. His first assignment will be to determine if Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has any human qualities and really is over age 14.

David Ebersman has been selected as Facebook's chief financial officer. He will take over the position once he has selected his five favorite bands, movies, beers and baseball teams, answered several dozen quizzes, and proved to superiors that he can adequately defend sleazy dating service ads and pages that take 10 minutes to completely load.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Prince needs to have hip replacement surgery. It's troubling for the mysterious singer who always tries to be so cool. The good news is that one more thing in his home is now purple: his ass after even a brief walk.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sen. John Ensign of Nevada resigned his Republican leadership post Wednesday, one day after confessing marital infidelity. Now, right wing talk show hosts looking for something admirable in Nevada will have to go back to pointing to slot machines and the Chicken Ranch.

The FDA has warned consumers to stop using Zicam products containing zinc gluconate. It has caused many to lose their sense of smell. The FDA will now go on to investigate people who eat Wise potato chips and watch prime-time network TV, since they have obviously lost their sense of taste.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A new study says that dreams and sleep are powerfully connected to the processing of human emotions. In a related story, Republicans haven’t been getting much sleep in the last 50 years.

At the annual AMA conference in Chicago yesterday, President Obama pressed doctors to back his health care overhaul efforts. The doctors listened attentively and then said they can’t make any decision until they first do an MRI, CAT Scan, EKG, lab work, hit the president on the knee with a rubber hammer, collect a $35 co-pay and make him fill out 12 pages of paperwork, especially the HIPAA privacy form.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor as the nation's first Hispanic Supreme Court justice on Tuesday. "Anti-immigrant" groups are expected to object to the nomination and plan on discussing their next move during dinner tonite at their favorite Mexican restaurant.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Daniel Carasso, the namesake of Dannon yogurt, has died in Paris at age 103. Word of his passing has left a bitter taste in the mouths of many, which they will try to cover up with strawberries, chocolate chips, vanilla and anything else they can think of.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Arizona Senator John Kyl says he and fellow Republicans may filibuster if President Obama nominates a Supreme Court justice who decides cases based on emotions or feelings. This, out of jealousy, since most Republicans have no emotions or feelings.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A doctor in rural Australia used a handyman's power drill to bore a hole into the skull of a boy with a severe head injury, saving his life. The boy says when he grows up, he'd like to move to the U.S.A. and become chairman of the Republican National Committee.

Discount retailer Target reported a 13 percent decline in first-quarter profit on Wednesday as it confronts sluggish consumer spending. But the report still left analysts encouraged, mainly because of all the flashy lights and bright colors around it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Komodo dragon, has a snake-like venom in its bite which sends victims into shock and stops their blood from clotting. Australian researchers made the discovery after studying results of an MRI done on the large lizard. Scientists say the creature's health insurance should cover it, minus a $50 co-pay.

Sprint plans to start selling it's purported "iPod killer," the Palm Pre, on June 6. A spokesman says the minimal name symbolizes the phone's charm, simplicity, and the few places in America where you can actually get a decent Sprint signal.

A study by British researchers says postponing retirement may delay dementia. Further studies will examine whether prolonged unemployment makes a person wish for dementia.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

People who own chimpanzees are struggling to find new homes for the animals. The hairy primates can become uncontrollably violent for no apparent reason, must be caged at all times, and even zoos refuse to accept them. Many are calling for special sanctuaries to be set up to house the erratic, dangerous beasts. Others say there already is such a place: right-wing talk radio.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Agence France Presse and Scientists at France's National Centre for Scientific Research say penguins, famous for their cuteness and comic gait on land, also have an enigmatic life at sea, sometimes spending months foraging in the ocean before returning to their breeding grounds. And they're having a lot more fun than I am.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Reports say Manny Ramirez took female hormones to hide his steroid use. Fans suspected something was wrong when the umpire dusted off the plate and Ramirez angrily pointed out that he missed a spot.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Music industry mogul David Geffen reportedly made an offer to buy a 19% stake in the New York Times. The deal fell through when Times editors refused to include the words "Baby, baby" in at least 75% of their news stories.

President Obama praised health industry groups for offering to reduce the growth of spending by $2 trillion a year to overhaul the system. Unfortunately, the ultimate goal is still far off: having someone explain the difference between co-pay, co-insurance, and deductible.

President Obama praised health industry groups for offering to reduce the growth of spending by $2 trillion a year to overhaul the system. In response, Canadians, Brits, and residents of most other civilized nations continued laughing at us.

The Obama administration warned corporate America on Monday that the government will move more aggressively to investigate big firms that improperly dominate markets. In response, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer began wearing a toupee, Groucho glasses, and changed his address to a post office box in Montana.

The oldest known human hairs have been found in hyena dung in Chile. Scientists say they have no idea why Larry King was in Chile, but are certain that the hyenas did not laugh at his jokes.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

New jobless claims plunged last week and retail sales improved in April. Quick, someone go drop a pin at Republican National Committee headquarters. hopes a bigger version of its Kindle eBook reader can be a hit, even though it will cost almost $500. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos made the announcement while looking upwards, presumably also expecting pigs to fly.

Verizon shareholders will vote today on the CEO's pay package. This is the company that turned down the iPhone. The vote is expected to approve a total salary of $14,000 a year, with bathroom privileges down the street at a Shell station.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

President Obama and Democratic lawmakers reached agreement on Tuesday on a proposal to offer vouchers of up to $4,500 for people who trade in their cars. The goal of the so-called "cash for clunkers" legislation is to sell one million shiny, brand new, American-made clunkers. is widely expected to unveil a new Kindle electronic book device with a larger screen Wednesday. The new Kindle will cost at least $359 and, unlike a printed book, will be worth nothing if you drop it from a height of more than three feet.

The directors of the Miss California USA pageant are looking into whether title holder Carrie Prejean violated her contract by working with a national group opposed to gay marriage and by posing semi-nude when she was a teenage model. This news has been very upsetting to the 12 people in America who still care about beauty pageants.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Democratic and Republican senators said Sunday they hope President Barack Obama looks beyond federal judges as he considers a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. Apparently, they want the Supreme Court to be cast like a reality TV show.

A new test version of Microsoft's Windows 7 leads many to believe the final version will be released in time for this year's holiday season. If it happens, people all over the world will be able to observe Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and hundreds of new ways for their computers to frustrate them.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Researchers say huge ice chunks are breaking away from the Antarctic shelf. When told of the news, Senate Republicans said they'd be happy to use the ice for the extra martinis they're drinking lately.

Radio station chain Clear Channel laid off 960 people on Tuesday, after canning 1500 in January. When questioned, the fired announcers would only repeat the time, temperature, and their parents' pleas that they pursue more secure careers in plumbing or organized crime.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

IAC/InterActiveCorp, the company that owns dating service, this morning reported a first quarter loss of $28.4 million. Executives at the company are worried: they know that the balance sheets will look worse when you see them in person.

IAC/InterActiveCorp, the company that owns search engine, this morning reported a first quarter loss of $28.4 million. This comes as sad news to the 15 people who use

President Obama beamed this morning as he and Vice President Biden officially welcomed Arlen Specter to the Democratic Party. This, mainly because both Biden and Specter’s mouths had been taped shut.

Microsoft and Verizon are reportedly talking about launching “a touch-screen multimedia cell phone” that combines Windows Mobile and Zune software. The phone is expected to sell well among those who own Yugos and the DVD edition of “Ishtar.”

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Pat Buchanan told MSNBC today that the Republican Party is "a heavily white party." He then went on to describe water as "heavily wet."

A Chihuahua has been reunited with its owners after the dog was blown away by a gust of wind. The dog's "bark all" story will be the subject of a new book and made-for-TV movie.

...Taco Bell is suing for copyright infringement, pointing to old TV ads and what happens when many customers eat there.

New studies by the University at Buffalo and Miami University of Ohio found that watching TV can drive away feelings of loneliness and rejection. Unfortunately, it can also turn you into an angry, competitive, greedy, horny, drooling moron.

Police in the Seychelles Islands have arrested nine people suspected of being the pirates who attempted to take over a cruise ship last weekend. Passengers are calling for stiff penalties. Anyone who threatens their access to the buffet must suffer.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

An cruise ship with 1,500 people on board fended off a pirate attack far off the coast of Somalia. Israeli private security forces on the ship began playing selections from a Kathie Lee Gifford CD and drove the bandits away.

MySpace tapped a former Facebook executive as its new CEO. Owen Van Natta is 39 years old, at least twice the age of most MySpace users.

Former Facebook executive Owen Van Natta will be the new CEO of MySpace. He is expected to start in approximately two weeks, about the same time it takes for a MySpace page to fully load.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Julie Chen of CBS' "The Early Show" and "Big Brother" has announced that she is pregnant. Her husband is Les Moonves, CEO of CBS. She's 38, he's 60. Her due date is Oct. 4th. The child's first psychotherapy session is planned for early 2011.

...Moonves is also the great-nephew of David Ben-Gurion, the first Prime Minister of Israel, who, at word of the news, was turning over in his grave at a rate of 48 miles per hour.

At a news conference in Moscow, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the software giant will invest $300 million in Russia projects over the next three years. Observers say Russians are so used to dealing with corruption and frustration that the new Windows 7 will look pretty darn good to them.

The Somali pirate who attacked an American cargo ship appeared in a New York City courtroom on Tuesday. He will be tried as an adult and faces stiff penalties under our justice system: life in prison...and viewing NBC's prime time lineup.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Yahoo Inc. will cut 600 to 700 jobs as its slump worsened in the first quarter and ad revenues were down. The company says the layoffs will not change the user experience for the 12 people who still use Yahoo.

India's child-rights watchdog is investigating allegations by a tabloid that the father of a "Slumdog Millionaire" child star tried to sell her to an undercover reporter. Entertainment industry observers are shocked: usually it's just celebrities themselves, selling their souls.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich slammed President Obama Monday for his friendly greeting of controversial Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Reporters were unable to understand much more of what Gingrich said, as his lips were curiously locked onto Rush Limbuagh's ass.

Oracle Corp. has offered to buy Sun Microsystems for $7.4 billion on Monday. CEOs hope the Justice Department will clearly see its way to approving the merger

Bank of America Corp. warned of worsening loan default problems Monday even as it posted a first-quarter profit of $2.81 billion. Observers say it would've done better if it stopped mailing everyone credit card offers five times a month.

The New York Times won five Pulitzer Prizes for journalism today. The financially strapped company is expected to melt the statues down and sell them for scrap.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

North and South Korea have agreed to hold their first dialogue in a year. Relations are icy between the north and high-tech South. Initial talks will take place using cell phones that Verizon isn't expected to offer for another 10 years.

Police say a man posing as a waiter collected $186 in cash from diners at two restaurants in New Jersey and walked out with the money in his pocket. Victims admit they should have suspected something was amiss when the waiter didn't say, "Sorry, this ain't my table."

...Donald Trump is expected to offer the waiter an executive position by next Tuesday.

...Washington observers say say the ruse was even more ingenious than what GM and AIG have done.

Action star Jackie Chan said Saturday he's not sure if a free society is a good thing for China and that he's starting to think "we Chinese need to be controlled." American observers agreed and asked for their hot sauce on the side.

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Florida legislator has proposed a bill that would require state residents to pass a drug test before they get unemployment payments. It should cut down on expenses: most Floridians need to take drugs to cope with the hot weather and crazy drivers.

General Growth Properties Inc, the second-largest U.S. mall owner, declared bankruptcy on Thursday in the biggest real estate failure in U.S. history. They listed total assets of $29.56 billion, almost all in soft pretzels, glowing athletic shoes, and needlessly engraved tchotchkes.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

An American freighter loaded with food aid escaped an attack by Somali pirates. The pirates stopped firing on the vessel when the American captain threatened to bombard them with pistachio nuts.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says the pirate drama over the last week shows value of simple weapons. Washington observers expect the FCC to follow suit, saying reality TV shows the value of simple minds.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Mail order pharmacy Express Scripts Inc. said Monday it is buying rival WellPoint NextRX for $4.8 billion. At least we think that's what's happening. Nobody outside the two companies was able to read the handwriting on the press release.

...activists immediately reminded the public that a similar corporate takeover in Canada would cost only $1.2 billion. anticipation of a bad reaction, stockholders voted to start by breaking NetRX in half to see if it makes them nauseous.

The Jimmy Carter Visitor Center lost its Georgia state funding Tuesday due to budget cuts. Carter immediately accused the state of "tourism apartheid," scheduled a trip abroad, and began promoting a new book.

TMZ reports that Mel Gibson's wife Robyn will file to divorce Gibson. Every Jewish lawyer in North America is expected to hope for the opportunity to represent Mrs. Gibson.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

India's 485 million head of livestock are burping, belching and excreting copious amounts of methane gas, contributing to global warming. Scientists say the dangers are almost as great as what right-wing talk radio hosts generate into the air every week.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Former Bush advisor Karl Rove called Joe Biden a “blowhard” and a “liar” in response to some of the vice president’s comments about the Bush administration. He would have said more, but he had to get back to listening to the Rush Limbaugh show.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

President Obama will celebrate the first-ever Presidential Passover seder at the White House tonight. It will be a contemporary service: when they recite the 10 plagues, eight of them will be right-wing talk show hosts.

Fierce competition in the prepaid cellular market has prompted Virgin Mobile to lower it's rates. Virgin uses the Sprint network. Customers will save big in the 12 square miles nationwide where they can actually get a signal.

Britney Spears is apologizing to fans after smoky conditions at a concert in Vancouver, BC, led to a 30-minute delay in her show. Well, she didn't actually apologize, she just drooled and giggled a bit.

...Spears' publicist, Holly Shakoor, told reporters she'd much rather be a publicist for GM or AIG, but there are no jobs available.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Fishermen in the Philippines accidentally caught and later ate a megamouth shark, one of the rarest fishes in the world. In other news, Rush Limbaugh has canceled a planned visit to the Philippines.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Madonna has lost her bid to adopt a second child from Malawi. Her lawyer there says she is appealing. These days, he's probably the only person left on earth who thinks so.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Speaking at a town-hall style rally in Strasbourg, France, President Obama received thunderous cheers when he pledged to repair damaged relations with Europe. Looking up from his comic book in Texas, George W. Bush wondered how all those people got into the event without wearing shoes.

A judge in Malawi has rejected Madonna's request to adopt a child from the African nation. Observers believe this is the first time Madonna has heard the word "No" since the coddled celeb hit the charts in 1983.

Touch screens are all the rage at the CTIA, North America's largest cell phone trade show, running this week in Las Vegas. Vendors are touting new and impressive phones and features coming soon...unless, of course, your service is with Verizon, which is pretty darn happy with the same 12 phones it's made available since 2005.

The investigation into a nationwide salmonella scare over pistachio nuts has spread from a California nut processor to its sister plant on Long Island, where inspectors last month found cockroaches and rodent droppings. A company spokesman told reporters the plant is now spotless, saying customers can eat off the ground it is so spotless. Well, actually, he said it about "Your mother."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Seven students have been punished for violating the code of conduct at Oprah Winfrey's school for disadvantaged girls in South Africa. They will have to stay after class and try to find any difference from one issue of the Oprah magazine to the next.

After 72 years on the air, Guiding Light will broadcast its final episode on September 18th. And the Bauer family is still just as messed-up as it was back in 1937.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Fox News launched a new Web site,, on Monday, featuring columns, blogs and videos by the network's personalities. Contributors include Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Greta Van Susteren. Fox says the site will increase the network's online reach, making it possible to piss people off without even having to turn on the TV.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Hundreds of Australians celebrated in Queensland on Sunday as thousands of poisonous cane toads were were killed. It was the first annual "Toad Day Out" festival. For next year's event, organizers are hoping for a special appearance by Rush Limbaugh.

In a visit to Malawi, Madonna refused to answer rumors that she would begin proceedings this week to adopt a young girl there. This, mainly because only about 12 people in the entire world would be interested.

The giant, fast-moving Internet worm that has infected at least 3 million PCs is set to do even greater damage on Wednesday — April Fools' Day. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer attempted to convince reporters that he's really not such a bad guy.

Scientists from UT Austin have discovered big-eyed, blob-like animals adapted to darkness that could change what we believe about evolution. The late-night radio talk show hosts said they want a daytime gig, but there just aren't any openings.

Friday, March 27, 2009

U.S. consumer spending rose by 0.2 percent in February. The Commerce Department attributes the increase to a guy in Ohio purchasing a large size package beef jerky at the Wal-Mart Supercenter.

"The Haunting in Connecticut" debuts in theatres this weekend. A family experiences supernatural behavior in their new home: they are able to stay awake through a speech by Joe Lieberman.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Pirates hijacked two chemical tankers off the Somali coastline within 24 hours this week. They would have taken a third, but they were busy finishing up resumes to send to AIG.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An AIG executive who received a bonus worth more than $742,000 after taxes has resigned publicly — in an Op-Ed column in The New York Times. He is expected to take a job with the Keebler company, citing his experience with his hand in the jar.

Postmaster General John Potter warned today that he financially strapped U.S. Postal Service will run out of money this year without help from Congress. Congress said he can expect an answer sometime between next Tuesday and Friday, unless he applies $2.50 more in stamps.

The Canadian Broadcasting Corp. plans to sell $125 million worth of assets and cut up to 800 jobs to make up for a $171 million budget shortfall. The laid off workers will be replaced by one guy who'll run up and down Portage Street in Winnipeg, shouting the news into a megaphone.

Monday, March 23, 2009

A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with production of brain chemicals that cause them to make and maintain friendships. And buy lots of shoes.

...Researches say there is no comparable response in men...unless you count the Budweiser.

South Africa barred the Dalai Lama from a peace conference in Johannesburg this week, saying it did not want to endanger the government’s relationship with China. Sure, peace is good, but cheap toys and furniture are what people really want.

…The Dalai Lama is also expected to be barred from upcoming peace conferences at the headquarters of Wal-Mart, Target, and Dollar Tree.

“Today” show co-host Matt Lauer took Monday off after a weekend bicycle accident. He suffered bruises, a displaced shoulder, and scratches to the full-length mirror he carries with him at all times.

…Lauer says the accident would have been much worse if his can of hairspray exploded.

In a “60 Minutes” interview on Sunday, President Obama said anger isn’t a governing strategy. But, for some reason, it’s a great way to keep people listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Gov. Sarah Palin said Thursday that she would accept only 69 percent of the estimated $930 million dollars in Stimulus funds available to her state. Palin rejects money with strings attached. Unless the strings are attached to lovely dresses from Nieman Marcus.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Jaguar and Buick have dethroned Lexus in the new J.D. Power vehicle dependability study. This is a great source of pride to the 17 people who actually own a Buick.

Microsoft will release its new Internet Explorer 8 Web browser on Wednesday at noon, EDT. Dangerous flaws are expected to be discovered by 12:09.

Malibu neighbors are complaining about bad odors from an outdoor toilet at the home of Bob Dylan. And they say, in retrospect, his music really doesn't have such a good fragrance, either.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Matt Jones has been kicked off the team over drug issues. Many can sympathize: you really need to be medicated to live in Jacksonville.

Many Texans are up in arms over a bill that would require anyone under 18 years old to get a doctor's note before using a tanning bed and would require a parent be with them in the salon. Opponents point to California, where a note is required if you don't want to begin an infant.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Today is St. Patrick's Day. It's a day when millions worldwide are green...with envy over their neighbors who still have jobs.

Sprint is promoting its Everything Messaging plan. For $49.99 a month, you're assured easy communication with everyone. Except customer service.

NBC is dropping the "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" feature. It was most successful in 2007, when the humor segment hid him under the category "Journalist."

UK and US scientists say they have been able to read people's thoughts by using brain scans. Further research will attempt to explain flatline results in all Rush Limbaugh Show listeners.

Cell phone maker Nokia said Tuesday it will lay off 1,700 people worldwide to cut costs. The company boasted that the layoff notices were 27% smaller than last year's.

...When fired employees hit the "Send" button on their phones, a high-resolution touch-screen pointed them to the door.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Acoustic monitoring for endangered right whales off New York harbor is ending. Scientists from Cornell University were told by the whales to "mind your own freakin' business."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A new survey says many states are lagging in making public records available online. And here Pennsylvania was so proud of that new pencil sharpener they bought last week.

Police in Arkansas say a woman has been arrested for allegedly slipping some tranquilizers into her boss's coffee because she felt "he needed to chill out." When the boss recovers, he will star in a new reality series on NBC.

...Upon learning of the story, Rush Limbaugh immediately hired a guy to taste all his food before he does.

A California condor has been captured and treated for lead poisoning and gunshot wounds. If it recovers, doctors will order the bird to get the hell out of California.

...the bird has already been offered a recording contract with rap music company Def Jam.

Some experts fear Navy sonar may harm Florida's right whales. A majority of the state's residents say that as long as they can keep working on their tans and get to hair appointments, to heck with the whales.

In a keynote address to the American Council on Education, the president of Ohio State said universities can survive only with radical reform. In response, most undergrads say they don't mind changes, unless it affects their ability to get a hold of some beer on Saturday nights.

Friday, March 13, 2009

AT&T, the largest employer of union labor in the country, is renegotiating contracts that cover 112,500 workers. The company is hoping for big concessions and putting it in terms workers will understand: "Press one if you want to keep your job..."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Police in southwest China have started serving drivers raw chili peppers at highway service stations in a bid to stop them falling asleep at the wheel. Road signs proclaiming "Gas-Food" suddenly have a whole new meaning.

EBay Inc. says its PayPal division will double in size by 2011. This, of course, if people actually have enough money to buy anything.

An article in “Parade” magazine questions whether the US has enough spies. Most Americans were unaware of this. Since at least 1982, they've thrown "Parade" right into the recycling bin without reading it.

Michael Steele, the new chairman of the Republican National Committee, told GQ that he is pro-choice. On CNN, he said Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer whose comments are "Incendiary and ugly." Political scientists have a name for people who believe what Steele does: Democrats.

Two days after being released by the Dallas Cowboys, Terrell Owens signed a one-year, $6.5 million contract with the Buffalo Bills. During a press conference, the high-maintenance wide receiver said, “I beat to my own beat.” Buffalo is a very earthy place. Locals expect Owens to be a lot less mouthy when he's wearing big furry mittens and earmuffs.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is spending more than $173,000 on training to try to make its 4,000 clerks friendlier. If it's successful, the training will be expanded to include the state's other 12,444,279 residents.

Former NBA player and $yracu$e Univer$ity star Damone Brown is due in a Buffalo courtroom to face a money laundering charge. Fans in Syracuse are shocked that there's actually any money left in Buffalo to launder.

Police with the New Mexico Motor Transportation Division found 1,200 pounds of pot packed in cans labeled as spinach. This could finally explain Popeye's eyes.

The Kansas City Auto Show begins today. It's a way for car buyers to do some low-pressure shopping. As many as 12 people are expected to attend.

The New York Times reports "Europeans Debate Castration of Sex Offenders." They've moved on to this issue after concluding that the economy has already been castrated.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

For the first time in its 20 year history, GPS device maker Garmin announced layoffs on Monday. 141 workers were given turn-by-turn directions from their cubicles to home, with a cheerful electronic voice telling them never to come back.

The McClatchy Company, owner of 30 daily newspapers around the country, announced a 15% staff reduction and salary cutbacks for all remaining employees. The 12 Americans who read still read newspapers were unavailable for comment.
The FBI is investigating a North Syracuse, NY magician's claim that he successfully shipped himself in a crate to Las Vegas via the United Parcel Service. If it is proven true, the magician will immediately be appointed to President Obama's budget team.

President Obama proposes merit pay for teachers, a concept educators strongly oppose. The White House is not expecting much of a fight. Most teachers are too busy getting kids to stop texting and checking Facebook.

Researchers in Boston say warmer weather and changes in atmospheric pressure may trigger headaches and migraines. And here we thought it was all those stupid TV shows.

A report in the journal Current Biology says an extensive study of a chimpanzee's belligerent, anti-social behavior proves that animals make plans. In a related story, Rush Limbaugh plans to talk about the president and the economy on today's show.

An extensive study of a chimpanzee's belligerent, anti-social behavior in a Zoo in Sweden proves that animals make plans. Now that the study has been completed, researchers have stopped playing ABBA songs in the chimp's cage.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Results of a survey released today show that 15 percent of Americans have no religion. In a related story, thunderstorms are expected throughout much of the nation's heartland this afternoon.

The White House's top budget official declared on Sunday that "fundamentally, the economy is weak." Peter Orszag went on to say that the Atlantic Ocean is "fundamentally moist."
Appearing on CNBC Monday, billionaire Warren Buffet said the economy has fallen off a cliff. Attorneys for Wile E. Coyote are exploring the possibility of a slander suit. When questioned about this outside his Texas residence, ex-President George W. Bush would only say "Beep-beep."

Pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co. is buying rival Schering-Plough Corp. for $41.1 billion. The company dates back to 1908 Memphis, when 16 year old Abe Plough sold Plough's Antiseptic Healing Oil, a "sure cure for any ill of man or beast," door-to-door from a horse-drawn buggy. He was the inspiration for Republicans and high school drop-out talk radio hosts to this very day.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Jewish holiday of Purim is this week. It recalls a sad era of sex, seduction, intrigue, exhibitionism, partying and orgies in a strange, foreign land. The holiday is especially meaningful to Jewish residents of Southern California.

...Biblical scholars believe the events took place in what is now either the city of Susa, Iran...or the backlot at Fox.

...When questioned about the holiday, publicist Eliot Mintz would only say that his client Paris Hilton is not now and has never been Jewish.

Alex Rodriguez will undergo surgery for a hip injury. The good news for him is that he now qualifies for the $6.99 early dinner special at many South Florida restaurants.

Alex Rodriguez is expected to be out of the New York Yankees lineup for six to nine weeks following hip surgery. Once again, A-Rod is making an ass of himself.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

On Thursday, disgraced financier Bernie Madoff is expected to enter a guilty plea and face the people he is accused of cheating. People from all around the country are expected to attend. This could be the first time Madoff hears the phrase "open up a can of whoop-ass."

Authorities say a former bookkeeper in California embezzled $9.9 million, forcing her company to make layoffs as she bought 400 pairs of shoes that she kept in a room-sized closet decorated with a crystal chandelier and a plasma television. When questioned on the subject, many Californians described the woman as "Way cool" and are calling for her to run for governor.

Microsoft will give PC users the option to turn off the company's own Internet Explorer Web browser in its new Windows 7 operating system. This after the browser has been turning off users for over a decade.

CNN medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn from consideration for the US surgeon general position. However, CNN financial correspondent Ali Velshi is in contention to replace the fast talking FedEx guy we all laugh at.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man - 700 pounds - said Thursday he is having a 1989 Chevrolet Astrovan outfitted to support his record-breaking weight, giving him mobility after more than six years of being confined to bed. This is a first: someone bought something made by General Motors.

...Once completed, Uribe plans to drive the van to Philadelphia for a box of Tastycakes.

Michael Jackson's Thursday announcement of 10 "final curtain call" concerts in London raises more questions than it answers: Is it a comeback or a swansong? Will he sing or lipsynch? Has he still got the moves? Does anybody care?

Stocks were set to open higher after a report showing job losses that were huge, but not as horrific as many traders feared. Only on Wall Street can 651,000 newly unemployed people be considered good news.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Kyrgyzstan is willing to negotiate a new deal allowing American troops to operate there. The story will not get much coverage in the USA. Most Americans don't know where Kyrgyzstan is. Or England. Or France. Or Canada.

Former first lady Barbara Bush was in good condition and resting comfortably Thursday following heart surgery. Doctors do not believe the condition can be inherited, especially since son George W. apparently has no heart.

Police say a 12-year-old Michigan boy was shot and killed when a gun being cleaned by his father went off. The NRA and its right-wing radio chorus immediately reacted by saying, "Guns don't kill people, dirty shmatas do."

Michael Jackson on Thursday announced a set of major London concerts -- which he called a "final curtain call." Jackson was more than 90 minutes late for the announcement that lasted about three minutes. It was not immediately clear if Jackson meant the concerts were his "curtain call" for London or the wider world, which nose he will be wearing for the concerts, or if he has the slightest idea that it's not 1982 anymore.

Scientists have found a new moon hidden in one of Saturn's dazzling outer rings. Upon learning of the news, many college freshmen from Long Island reacted by dropping their pants: "Y'wanna see a dazzling moon?"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

A customer shopping at Wal-Mart in Falmouth, Mass. says he found 10 human teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in a wallet. A Wal-Mart spokesman disputes the claim, saying nobody working in the offshore factory where the wallet was made is old enough to have that many teeth.

...A Wal-Mart spokesman disputes the claim, saying the customer is just trying to put the bite on them.

Authorities report that a Florida woman called 911 three times after McDonald's employees told her they were out of Chicken McNuggets. Police said they could not respond to such frivolous calls...unless donuts were involved.

Amazon on Wednesday unveiled a new iPhone/iPod Touch application that will allow users to read Kindle e-books on the devices. The company expects to attract a new audience of highly tech-savvy geeks who have never actually read a book before...or left their basements...or talked to a girl.

The European Union has ended full-time monitoring of the Microsoft Corporation after years of concerns over anti-competitive practices. The Union wanted to continue monitoring, but their Windows Vista PC just keeps on locking-up.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A new study reports that children who watch television for more than two hours a day have twice the risk of developing asthma. This adds to the already held belief that, for most sane adults, watching any commercial television increases the risk of nausea.

Stamford, Connecticut police say two teenagers who refused to help their father shovel snow from the driveway allegedly attacked him with shovels. Political scientists liken the attack to how Fox News provides its viewers with information.

A 300-million-year-old fossilized fish brain has been discovered by researchers in Kansas. The fossilized brain is very small and very rare. Paleontologists say it is comparable to that of the average Rush Limbaugh program listener.

WTVH, the CBS-TV affiliate in Syracuse, on Monday shut down its entire news department, laying off 40 people. The station will replace unprofitable local newscasts with a new game show: "Who Wants to Be an Ignoramus?"

Monday, March 2, 2009

U.S. consumer spending rebounded in January, after six months of declines. The Commerce Department attributes the 0.6 percent rise to a guy in Cleveland super-sizing his order at McDonald's.

Kansas Democratic Gov. Kathleen Sebelius is President Obama's choice for health and human services secretary. With her departure, the state will now have a total population of 2,802,133; 12 of whom are Democrats.

An Ohio woman was ticketed for breast feeding and talking on her cell phone while driving. She was immediately offered a sitcom on Fox if she could do the same thing with seven more children in the car.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors proclaims the first week in March "No Cussing Week" throughout the county. The same thing was tried on Long Island. It lasted four seconds.

Home Depot reported a loss of $54 Million in the fourth quarter. And you thought it was tough to find help in there before...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

A rare March snow blanketed much of Alabama on Sunday. Residents of the state aren't used to dealing with snow. Many have resorted to throwing fried okra on the roads for traction.

A scientific journal says a funky, psychedelic fish that bounces on the ocean floor like a rubber ball has been classified as a new species. The frogfish — which has a swirl of tan and peach zebra stripes that extend from its aqua eyes to its tail — was discovered a year ago in shallow waters off Ambon Island in Indonesia. Experts expect the fish to sign a book deal and get it's own TV series later this week.

...There is no truth to rumors that Brad Pitt has dumped Angelina Jolie and moved in with the fish.

...Negotiations are underway to have the fish deliver the Republican response to the next presidential address to the nation.

U.N. peacekeepers have upset traditional wild asparagus harvesters on the ethnically divided island of Cyprus by preventing them from entering a buffer zone to gather the tasty shoots. American troops have expressed no interest in getting involved unless they're given a couple of burgers, fries and cheese sauce first.

A team of scientists has determined that bacteria found in people's spit does not vary much around the world. The American portion of the research was done by examining what ex-President W did to the constitution.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

President Obama challenged the nation's vested interests to a legislative duel Saturday, saying he will fight to change health care, energy and education in dramatic ways that will upset the status quo. Right-wing talk show hosts say they will respond, once the Republican National Committee and lobbyists tell them what to say.

Daniel Schorr, NPR's 92 year old Senior News Analyst, learned about Twitter on Weekend Edition Saturday. Next week, host Scott Simon will teach Schorr how to ride a skateboard.

The Long Island newspaper Newsday might end distribution of free Web content. Speaking from his home in Bethpage, L.I., a top company official said "F-----' - A, if y'don't f----n' like it, you can f----n' kiss my f-----n' a--. He would not elaborate further because he said he had to take his mother to church.

Actor Bruce Willis and his production company are being sued in Los Angeles for $4 million for breach of contract over a movie he was to direct. Willis is expected to respond to the charges once he steps away from the mirror he's been staring into for the past 25 years.

Billionaire investor Warren Buffet's Berkshire Hathaway organization had its worst year ever in 2008. The company owns the Buffalo News newspaper. If things get any worse, Buffet might be seen delivering the papers on a bicycle in Tonawanda.

Friday, February 27, 2009

An evolutionary language scientist in Britain has determined that the oldest words in any language are 'I,''who,' and the numbers two, three and five, which date back approximately 10,000 years. He arrived at the conclusion by using sophisticated computer modeling and talking with Larry King.

An evolutionary language scientist in Britain has determined that the oldest words in any language are "I" and "who." He also says the words "dirty," "squeeze," "bad," and "stab" are the most likely to disappear. Upon learning of the news, entertainment industry executives were speechless.

Staff at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium in California say a two-spotted octopus opened a valve that allowed hundreds of gallons of water to overflow into offices. Upon learning of the news, California residents began efforts to draft the octopus for a gubernatorial run.

Facebook, trying to recover from last week's policy-change blunder, which prompted tens of thousands to join online protests, said Thursday that users will now play a "meaningful role" in deciding the site's policies. The company's CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, was unavailable for comment. A spokesman said the young entrepreneur was busy playing outside on his skateboard.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Customs officers in Brunei arrested two men who tried to smuggle 1,382 cans of contraband beer by boat into the Muslim-majority country. Officials say the snare was easy: the men were too busy giggling and peeing to stand guard.

A Wednesday AP headline reports "Antarctic glaciers slipping swiftly seaward." The story goes on to say that "the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

The Nielsen Company says American TV viewing is is at an all time high. It's not like people have a job to go to.

The Nielsen Company says TV viewing is is at an all time high. The average American is watching more than 151 hours per month. When asked to elaborate on their viewing habits, most people surveyed just drooled and mumbled something about money and celebrities.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Chinese city of Zhengzhou has enacted new rules prohibiting its employees from wearing bright clothes. This comes after observing New York City's decades-long success in prohibiting employees from having bright eyes and bright smiles.

A German businessman lost more than 10,000 euros ($13,000) in a plastic bag after forgetting the cash in a public toilet. English and economics teachers worldwide will use the story as an example of symbolism.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Abu Ghraib prison, notorious for detainee abuse by US forces in 2004, is being officially re-opened and renamed Baghdad Central Prison. Upon learning of the news, ex-President W threw a shoe at the TV. "Sure, now that I don't have to pronounce it."

President Obama says the Treasury Department is now directing employers to cut the amount of taxes being withheld from paychecks. The average American family will see an extra $65 a month. Right-wing radio talk show hosts immediately jumped on the story, infuriating dense listeners. "If the Republican plan was adopted, we would've gotten $500 a year."

Investors wiped out by the Bernard Madoff scandal got more bad news on Friday: Investigators have confirmed suspicions that the monthly statements showing the disgraced financier was making stock trades for them were pure fiction. Most of the investors said they'd like to hit Madoff over the head with books that are pure fiction.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Sprint Nextel Corp., the nation's third-largest wireless carrier, said Thursday it continued to lose customers and money in the fourth quarter. Sprint said the news was actually good because the loss beat Wall Street expectations, and they predict fewer customer losses in '09. Experts attribute this to one guy in Colorado who actually got through to customer service.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Massachusetts man faces assault charges after allegedly striking another man with a golf club in an argument over manners. The 38-year-old man pleaded not guilty to assault and battery with a dangerous weapon charges because he said "May I?" before striking the victim.

Barack Obama visits Canada to meet with conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Harper has more in common with former President George W. Bush. Many Canadians wish he had one more thing in common: unemployment.

Marine experts say environmental protection of Sydney, Australia's beaches and harbor has created a cleaner environment, but is attracting sharks closer to shore. Authorities are furious: Bernie Madoff wasn't supposed to leave Manhattan.

A hardline Hindu organization, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine, regarded as sacred in parts of India. It is believed the idea came about after a member of the organization tasted Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A Salt Lake City woman used a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a co-worker's car. She reportedly told authorities that if he's found not guilty, she will toilet paper his house and light a bag of poop on his porch.

An infant boy was married off to his neighbors' dog in eastern India by villagers who said it will stop the groom from being killed by wild animals. Anthropologists reacted by saying the incident gives them paws.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Liberty Media Corp. will invest $530 million in financially struggling satellite radio company Sirius XM Radio Inc. In exchange, Liberty will get 12.5 million shares of preferred stock, two seats on the company's board, and three washed-up New York City disc jockeys to be named later.

Liberty Media Corp. will invest $530 million in financially struggling satellite radio company Sirius XM Radio. Notoriously confident CEO Mel Karmazin will remain at the helm of the troubled company...and get his own "Comedy of Errors" channel.

The value of Bill Gates' investments fell by $3 billion - almost 20 percent - in the fourth quarter of last year. He only learned about it this week. He gets online statements and whenever he tries to login, his Windows Vista computer keeps crashing.

Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection today. Donald Trump resigned from the company's board last Friday, after unsuccessful efforts to just comb over the problems.

A 200-pound domesticated chimpanzee who once starred in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola was shot dead by police after a violent rampage that left a friend of its Connecticut owner badly mauled. Experts say well-behaved animals are often at risk of sudden outbursts of dangerous, inexplicable behavior. Or as it's called in Connecticut, "The Joe Lieberman Syndrome."

Monday, February 16, 2009

President Obama has given up on appointing a special “car czar” to oversee the auto industry’s restructuring. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner will now be in charge. Upon hearing the news, instead of heading to DC in energy-efficient cars, the big three CEOs drove off a cliff.

Sean Penn announced Thursday that he will star in a movie about the life of Three Stooges member Larry Fine. The self-important star has begun working with three acting coaches to help him properly deliver the line "Nyuk, nyuk."

Sean Penn announced Thursday that he will star in a movie about the life of Three Stooges member Larry Fine. Upon learning of the news, hundreds of actors expressed a desire to audition for supporting roles and the opportunity to hit the temperamental actor over the head with a shovel.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Researchers warned on Saturday that climate warming gases are rising faster than expected, increasing temperatures and worries about possible major changes in weather and climate. Scientists say the largest factors in this increase are the widespread adoption of coal as an energy source and Rush Limbaugh's refusal to shut the hell up.

Friday, February 13, 2009

In the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, model Brooklyn Decker is naked except for a world map painted on her. Suddenly, Syracuse is looking pretty good, after all.

In the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, model Brooklyn Decker is naked except for a world map painted on her. Many Americans previously clueless about geography are expressing a sudden interest in the Netherlands.

Saying "I made a mistake," Republican Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire abruptly withdrew as commerce secretary nominee, citing "irresolvable conflicts" with President Obama's policies. Upon learning of the news, 305 million Americans immediately went back to referring to him as "Senator who??"

A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails has lost them in a car crash. Her nails, which hadn't been cut since 1979, measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail at 2 feet, 11 inches. Upon learning of the woman, sportscasters around the world have stopped referring to close games as "nail-biters."

A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails has lost them in a car crash. Her nails, which hadn't been cut since 1979, measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail at 2 feet, 11 inches. The woman has been featured on episodes of "Guinness Book of World Records," "Ripley's Believe It or Not" and "America's Most Nauseating People."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

U.S. retail sales rose unexpectedly in January, reversing a six-month decline. The Commerce Department attributes the 1 percent growth to a guy in South Carolina buying a bag of potato chips.

Scientists are keeping a close eye on orbital debris created when two communications satellites smashed into each other on Tuesday. Experts say the result could be almost as disturbing as the debris American TV networks transmit over their satellites every evening.

Two communications satellites collided Tuesday in an unprecedented orbital accident. Astronomers told reporters it happened 500 miles above Siberia. The mayor of Syracuse, NY immediately reacted by saying, "When will people stop making fun of us?"

Michelle Obama will appear on the cover of next month's Vogue magazine. Only one other first lady, Hillary Clinton, made the cover. Laura Bush is holding out 'til an I Married for Money magazine is created.

Charles Darwin was born 200 years ago today. A new survey shows that 63% of Americans reject his theory of evolution. They also believe that Bill O'Reilly has excellent manners and Barack Obama is a space alien.

Queen Elizabeth II is offering Internet-savvy subjects the option of applying for a job at her palace through her newly revamped Web site. Resumes submitted for the coveted jobs must be even more impressive than the Queen's: not blank.

Florida sheriff's deputies arrested a man who they say robbed a gas station, then drove off and ran out of gas nearby. The man faces charges of robbery with a weapon and loitering/prowling. He also is in negotiations for a syndicated radio talk show and a possible Republican vice-presidential run.

Clear Channel - America's largest radio station company - is reported to be edging closer to breaching its debt covenants. The firm owns and operates over 1200 stations, many of which program right-wing talkers like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Dr. Laura or formulaic, repetitive music. Clear Channel’s been hit hard by a drop in advertising revenues and competitors like Internet radio and the iPod. Public reaction has been swift: dancing in the streets will begin this evening at 7.

Satellite radio operator Sirius XM is expected to file for bankruptcy protection any day now. The company's notoriously confident CEO, Mel Karmazin, is said to be humbled by the experience. Reports say the new Sirius logo will picture their mascot dog peeing on his leg.

The Los Alamos nuclear weapons laboratory in New Mexico is missing 67 computers, including 13 that were lost or stolen in the past year. Experts say that as long as the units were running Windows Vista, it's no great loss.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Many Americans were unhappy after hearing Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's new plans for handling the financial crisis. They said he wasn't decisive and forceful enough in his presentation. Alex Rodriguez immediately called to offer some medication he says can help.

More than 1,800 peanut products have been recalled in the wake of the salmonella outbreak. The Planters company says none of their products are involved, but their mascot, Mr. Peanut, has traded in his cane for a pair of crutches.

Girl-next-door hottie Jennifer Aniston celebrates her 40th birhtday today. She's back together with singer John Mayer, who reportedly wrote a song for her. Upon hearing this, men all over the world are singing their own song entitled "Blech."

The Muzak company has filed for Chapter 11 bakruptcy protection. Many of its biggest creditors are music companies that license the songs for use on Muzak playlists. To which every American born after 1952 responded "That was music?"

China’s national television network on Tuesday blamed an illegal fireworks display by its employees for igniting a blaze that destroyed a futuristic luxury hotel and theater. American observes say that's not nearly as destructive as what network executives here have done to our culture over the past few years.