Saturday, February 28, 2009

President Obama challenged the nation's vested interests to a legislative duel Saturday, saying he will fight to change health care, energy and education in dramatic ways that will upset the status quo. Right-wing talk show hosts say they will respond, once the Republican National Committee and lobbyists tell them what to say.

Daniel Schorr, NPR's 92 year old Senior News Analyst, learned about Twitter on Weekend Edition Saturday. Next week, host Scott Simon will teach Schorr how to ride a skateboard.

The Long Island newspaper Newsday might end distribution of free Web content. Speaking from his home in Bethpage, L.I., a top company official said "F-----' - A, if y'don't f----n' like it, you can f----n' kiss my f-----n' a--. He would not elaborate further because he said he had to take his mother to church.

Actor Bruce Willis and his production company are being sued in Los Angeles for $4 million for breach of contract over a movie he was to direct. Willis is expected to respond to the charges once he steps away from the mirror he's been staring into for the past 25 years.

Billionaire investor Warren Buffet's Berkshire Hathaway organization had its worst year ever in 2008. The company owns the Buffalo News newspaper. If things get any worse, Buffet might be seen delivering the papers on a bicycle in Tonawanda.

Friday, February 27, 2009

An evolutionary language scientist in Britain has determined that the oldest words in any language are 'I,''who,' and the numbers two, three and five, which date back approximately 10,000 years. He arrived at the conclusion by using sophisticated computer modeling and talking with Larry King.

An evolutionary language scientist in Britain has determined that the oldest words in any language are "I" and "who." He also says the words "dirty," "squeeze," "bad," and "stab" are the most likely to disappear. Upon learning of the news, entertainment industry executives were speechless.

Staff at the Santa Monica Pier Aquarium in California say a two-spotted octopus opened a valve that allowed hundreds of gallons of water to overflow into offices. Upon learning of the news, California residents began efforts to draft the octopus for a gubernatorial run.

Facebook, trying to recover from last week's policy-change blunder, which prompted tens of thousands to join online protests, said Thursday that users will now play a "meaningful role" in deciding the site's policies. The company's CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, was unavailable for comment. A spokesman said the young entrepreneur was busy playing outside on his skateboard.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Customs officers in Brunei arrested two men who tried to smuggle 1,382 cans of contraband beer by boat into the Muslim-majority country. Officials say the snare was easy: the men were too busy giggling and peeing to stand guard.

A Wednesday AP headline reports "Antarctic glaciers slipping swiftly seaward." The story goes on to say that "the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

The Nielsen Company says American TV viewing is is at an all time high. It's not like people have a job to go to.

The Nielsen Company says TV viewing is is at an all time high. The average American is watching more than 151 hours per month. When asked to elaborate on their viewing habits, most people surveyed just drooled and mumbled something about money and celebrities.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Chinese city of Zhengzhou has enacted new rules prohibiting its employees from wearing bright clothes. This comes after observing New York City's decades-long success in prohibiting employees from having bright eyes and bright smiles.

A German businessman lost more than 10,000 euros ($13,000) in a plastic bag after forgetting the cash in a public toilet. English and economics teachers worldwide will use the story as an example of symbolism.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

The Abu Ghraib prison, notorious for detainee abuse by US forces in 2004, is being officially re-opened and renamed Baghdad Central Prison. Upon learning of the news, ex-President W threw a shoe at the TV. "Sure, now that I don't have to pronounce it."

President Obama says the Treasury Department is now directing employers to cut the amount of taxes being withheld from paychecks. The average American family will see an extra $65 a month. Right-wing radio talk show hosts immediately jumped on the story, infuriating dense listeners. "If the Republican plan was adopted, we would've gotten $500 a year."

Investors wiped out by the Bernard Madoff scandal got more bad news on Friday: Investigators have confirmed suspicions that the monthly statements showing the disgraced financier was making stock trades for them were pure fiction. Most of the investors said they'd like to hit Madoff over the head with books that are pure fiction.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Sprint Nextel Corp., the nation's third-largest wireless carrier, said Thursday it continued to lose customers and money in the fourth quarter. Sprint said the news was actually good because the loss beat Wall Street expectations, and they predict fewer customer losses in '09. Experts attribute this to one guy in Colorado who actually got through to customer service.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A Massachusetts man faces assault charges after allegedly striking another man with a golf club in an argument over manners. The 38-year-old man pleaded not guilty to assault and battery with a dangerous weapon charges because he said "May I?" before striking the victim.

Barack Obama visits Canada to meet with conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper. Harper has more in common with former President George W. Bush. Many Canadians wish he had one more thing in common: unemployment.

Marine experts say environmental protection of Sydney, Australia's beaches and harbor has created a cleaner environment, but is attracting sharks closer to shore. Authorities are furious: Bernie Madoff wasn't supposed to leave Manhattan.

A hardline Hindu organization, known for its opposition to "corrupting" Western food imports, is planning to launch a new soft drink made from cow's urine, regarded as sacred in parts of India. It is believed the idea came about after a member of the organization tasted Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

A Salt Lake City woman used a wedgie and a headlock to pin down a man suspected of breaking into a co-worker's car. She reportedly told authorities that if he's found not guilty, she will toilet paper his house and light a bag of poop on his porch.

An infant boy was married off to his neighbors' dog in eastern India by villagers who said it will stop the groom from being killed by wild animals. Anthropologists reacted by saying the incident gives them paws.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Liberty Media Corp. will invest $530 million in financially struggling satellite radio company Sirius XM Radio Inc. In exchange, Liberty will get 12.5 million shares of preferred stock, two seats on the company's board, and three washed-up New York City disc jockeys to be named later.

Liberty Media Corp. will invest $530 million in financially struggling satellite radio company Sirius XM Radio. Notoriously confident CEO Mel Karmazin will remain at the helm of the troubled company...and get his own "Comedy of Errors" channel.

The value of Bill Gates' investments fell by $3 billion - almost 20 percent - in the fourth quarter of last year. He only learned about it this week. He gets online statements and whenever he tries to login, his Windows Vista computer keeps crashing.

Trump Entertainment Resorts Inc. filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection today. Donald Trump resigned from the company's board last Friday, after unsuccessful efforts to just comb over the problems.

A 200-pound domesticated chimpanzee who once starred in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola was shot dead by police after a violent rampage that left a friend of its Connecticut owner badly mauled. Experts say well-behaved animals are often at risk of sudden outbursts of dangerous, inexplicable behavior. Or as it's called in Connecticut, "The Joe Lieberman Syndrome."

Monday, February 16, 2009

President Obama has given up on appointing a special “car czar” to oversee the auto industry’s restructuring. Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner will now be in charge. Upon hearing the news, instead of heading to DC in energy-efficient cars, the big three CEOs drove off a cliff.

Sean Penn announced Thursday that he will star in a movie about the life of Three Stooges member Larry Fine. The self-important star has begun working with three acting coaches to help him properly deliver the line "Nyuk, nyuk."

Sean Penn announced Thursday that he will star in a movie about the life of Three Stooges member Larry Fine. Upon learning of the news, hundreds of actors expressed a desire to audition for supporting roles and the opportunity to hit the temperamental actor over the head with a shovel.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Researchers warned on Saturday that climate warming gases are rising faster than expected, increasing temperatures and worries about possible major changes in weather and climate. Scientists say the largest factors in this increase are the widespread adoption of coal as an energy source and Rush Limbaugh's refusal to shut the hell up.

Friday, February 13, 2009

In the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, model Brooklyn Decker is naked except for a world map painted on her. Suddenly, Syracuse is looking pretty good, after all.

In the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated, model Brooklyn Decker is naked except for a world map painted on her. Many Americans previously clueless about geography are expressing a sudden interest in the Netherlands.

Saying "I made a mistake," Republican Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire abruptly withdrew as commerce secretary nominee, citing "irresolvable conflicts" with President Obama's policies. Upon learning of the news, 305 million Americans immediately went back to referring to him as "Senator who??"

A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails has lost them in a car crash. Her nails, which hadn't been cut since 1979, measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail at 2 feet, 11 inches. Upon learning of the woman, sportscasters around the world have stopped referring to close games as "nail-biters."

A Utah woman listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for her long fingernails has lost them in a car crash. Her nails, which hadn't been cut since 1979, measured a total of more than 28 feet long in 2008, with the longest nail at 2 feet, 11 inches. The woman has been featured on episodes of "Guinness Book of World Records," "Ripley's Believe It or Not" and "America's Most Nauseating People."

Thursday, February 12, 2009

U.S. retail sales rose unexpectedly in January, reversing a six-month decline. The Commerce Department attributes the 1 percent growth to a guy in South Carolina buying a bag of potato chips.

Scientists are keeping a close eye on orbital debris created when two communications satellites smashed into each other on Tuesday. Experts say the result could be almost as disturbing as the debris American TV networks transmit over their satellites every evening.

Two communications satellites collided Tuesday in an unprecedented orbital accident. Astronomers told reporters it happened 500 miles above Siberia. The mayor of Syracuse, NY immediately reacted by saying, "When will people stop making fun of us?"

Michelle Obama will appear on the cover of next month's Vogue magazine. Only one other first lady, Hillary Clinton, made the cover. Laura Bush is holding out 'til an I Married for Money magazine is created.

Charles Darwin was born 200 years ago today. A new survey shows that 63% of Americans reject his theory of evolution. They also believe that Bill O'Reilly has excellent manners and Barack Obama is a space alien.

Queen Elizabeth II is offering Internet-savvy subjects the option of applying for a job at her palace through her newly revamped Web site. Resumes submitted for the coveted jobs must be even more impressive than the Queen's: not blank.

Florida sheriff's deputies arrested a man who they say robbed a gas station, then drove off and ran out of gas nearby. The man faces charges of robbery with a weapon and loitering/prowling. He also is in negotiations for a syndicated radio talk show and a possible Republican vice-presidential run.

Clear Channel - America's largest radio station company - is reported to be edging closer to breaching its debt covenants. The firm owns and operates over 1200 stations, many of which program right-wing talkers like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Dr. Laura or formulaic, repetitive music. Clear Channel’s been hit hard by a drop in advertising revenues and competitors like Internet radio and the iPod. Public reaction has been swift: dancing in the streets will begin this evening at 7.

Satellite radio operator Sirius XM is expected to file for bankruptcy protection any day now. The company's notoriously confident CEO, Mel Karmazin, is said to be humbled by the experience. Reports say the new Sirius logo will picture their mascot dog peeing on his leg.

The Los Alamos nuclear weapons laboratory in New Mexico is missing 67 computers, including 13 that were lost or stolen in the past year. Experts say that as long as the units were running Windows Vista, it's no great loss.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Many Americans were unhappy after hearing Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner's new plans for handling the financial crisis. They said he wasn't decisive and forceful enough in his presentation. Alex Rodriguez immediately called to offer some medication he says can help.

More than 1,800 peanut products have been recalled in the wake of the salmonella outbreak. The Planters company says none of their products are involved, but their mascot, Mr. Peanut, has traded in his cane for a pair of crutches.

Girl-next-door hottie Jennifer Aniston celebrates her 40th birhtday today. She's back together with singer John Mayer, who reportedly wrote a song for her. Upon hearing this, men all over the world are singing their own song entitled "Blech."

The Muzak company has filed for Chapter 11 bakruptcy protection. Many of its biggest creditors are music companies that license the songs for use on Muzak playlists. To which every American born after 1952 responded "That was music?"

China’s national television network on Tuesday blamed an illegal fireworks display by its employees for igniting a blaze that destroyed a futuristic luxury hotel and theater. American observes say that's not nearly as destructive as what network executives here have done to our culture over the past few years.