Tuesday, May 26, 2009

President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor as the nation's first Hispanic Supreme Court justice on Tuesday. "Anti-immigrant" groups are expected to object to the nomination and plan on discussing their next move during dinner tonite at their favorite Mexican restaurant.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Daniel Carasso, the namesake of Dannon yogurt, has died in Paris at age 103. Word of his passing has left a bitter taste in the mouths of many, which they will try to cover up with strawberries, chocolate chips, vanilla and anything else they can think of.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Arizona Senator John Kyl says he and fellow Republicans may filibuster if President Obama nominates a Supreme Court justice who decides cases based on emotions or feelings. This, out of jealousy, since most Republicans have no emotions or feelings.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

A doctor in rural Australia used a handyman's power drill to bore a hole into the skull of a boy with a severe head injury, saving his life. The boy says when he grows up, he'd like to move to the U.S.A. and become chairman of the Republican National Committee.

Discount retailer Target reported a 13 percent decline in first-quarter profit on Wednesday as it confronts sluggish consumer spending. But the report still left analysts encouraged, mainly because of all the flashy lights and bright colors around it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The Komodo dragon, has a snake-like venom in its bite which sends victims into shock and stops their blood from clotting. Australian researchers made the discovery after studying results of an MRI done on the large lizard. Scientists say the creature's health insurance should cover it, minus a $50 co-pay.

Sprint plans to start selling it's purported "iPod killer," the Palm Pre, on June 6. A spokesman says the minimal name symbolizes the phone's charm, simplicity, and the few places in America where you can actually get a decent Sprint signal.

A study by British researchers says postponing retirement may delay dementia. Further studies will examine whether prolonged unemployment makes a person wish for dementia.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

People who own chimpanzees are struggling to find new homes for the animals. The hairy primates can become uncontrollably violent for no apparent reason, must be caged at all times, and even zoos refuse to accept them. Many are calling for special sanctuaries to be set up to house the erratic, dangerous beasts. Others say there already is such a place: right-wing talk radio.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Agence France Presse and Scientists at France's National Centre for Scientific Research say penguins, famous for their cuteness and comic gait on land, also have an enigmatic life at sea, sometimes spending months foraging in the ocean before returning to their breeding grounds. And they're having a lot more fun than I am.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Reports say Manny Ramirez took female hormones to hide his steroid use. Fans suspected something was wrong when the umpire dusted off the plate and Ramirez angrily pointed out that he missed a spot.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Music industry mogul David Geffen reportedly made an offer to buy a 19% stake in the New York Times. The deal fell through when Times editors refused to include the words "Baby, baby" in at least 75% of their news stories.

President Obama praised health industry groups for offering to reduce the growth of spending by $2 trillion a year to overhaul the system. Unfortunately, the ultimate goal is still far off: having someone explain the difference between co-pay, co-insurance, and deductible.

President Obama praised health industry groups for offering to reduce the growth of spending by $2 trillion a year to overhaul the system. In response, Canadians, Brits, and residents of most other civilized nations continued laughing at us.

The Obama administration warned corporate America on Monday that the government will move more aggressively to investigate big firms that improperly dominate markets. In response, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer began wearing a toupee, Groucho glasses, and changed his address to a post office box in Montana.

The oldest known human hairs have been found in hyena dung in Chile. Scientists say they have no idea why Larry King was in Chile, but are certain that the hyenas did not laugh at his jokes.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

New jobless claims plunged last week and retail sales improved in April. Quick, someone go drop a pin at Republican National Committee headquarters.

Amazon.com hopes a bigger version of its Kindle eBook reader can be a hit, even though it will cost almost $500. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos made the announcement while looking upwards, presumably also expecting pigs to fly.

Verizon shareholders will vote today on the CEO's pay package. This is the company that turned down the iPhone. The vote is expected to approve a total salary of $14,000 a year, with bathroom privileges down the street at a Shell station.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

President Obama and Democratic lawmakers reached agreement on Tuesday on a proposal to offer vouchers of up to $4,500 for people who trade in their cars. The goal of the so-called "cash for clunkers" legislation is to sell one million shiny, brand new, American-made clunkers.

Amazon.com is widely expected to unveil a new Kindle electronic book device with a larger screen Wednesday. The new Kindle will cost at least $359 and, unlike a printed book, will be worth nothing if you drop it from a height of more than three feet.

The directors of the Miss California USA pageant are looking into whether title holder Carrie Prejean violated her contract by working with a national group opposed to gay marriage and by posing semi-nude when she was a teenage model. This news has been very upsetting to the 12 people in America who still care about beauty pageants.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Democratic and Republican senators said Sunday they hope President Barack Obama looks beyond federal judges as he considers a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. Apparently, they want the Supreme Court to be cast like a reality TV show.

A new test version of Microsoft's Windows 7 leads many to believe the final version will be released in time for this year's holiday season. If it happens, people all over the world will be able to observe Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and hundreds of new ways for their computers to frustrate them.