tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27559101790070042262024-03-13T07:21:11.957-05:00Jokes by MarvTopical humor from Marv K.
<br>of <a href="http://MrNiceGuyShow.com/">The Mr. Nice Guy Show!</a>Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-14218559298671702492011-05-10T21:10:00.000-05:002011-05-10T21:15:35.686-05:00Lady Gaga will release songs from her new album on FarmVille before they can be heard anywhere else. In much the same way cows "release" poo...Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-44878472611143479832011-05-10T20:54:00.001-05:002011-05-10T20:54:46.225-05:00AP reports "A week after the death of Osama bin Laden, his longtime deputy is considered the front-runner to succeed the iconic al-Qaida founder." Sure, the internal candidate always gets the job.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-11472565446217750172011-05-10T20:53:00.001-05:002011-05-10T20:53:46.058-05:00Analysts say the purchase of Skype is a major departure from Microsoft's core business: annoying the heck out of people worldwide.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-72161099638031680672011-05-10T06:53:00.000-05:002011-05-10T20:53:19.825-05:00Microsoft expected to announce purchase of Skype in the next few hours. Microsoft expected to ruin Skype in the next few months.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-35037235229637324302011-05-02T21:36:00.000-05:002011-05-10T21:22:34.374-05:00Guy on BBC World Service talking about "Al Qaeda franchises." I'm thinkin' you'd be much better off with a Chipotle or Dunkin' Donuts.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-20738834914332181382011-05-02T09:21:00.000-05:002011-05-10T21:23:59.664-05:00Pakistan expresses regret that they didn't find bin Laden first, but says they are making great progress in locating that "Where's Waldo" guy.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-73266268309441194142011-01-24T20:34:00.000-06:002011-01-24T20:35:27.411-06:00AFP reports China has mandated that all schoolchildren undergo lessons on etiquette -- concerned over uncultured manners in one of the world's oldest civilizations. Response from the USA is expected as soon as reporters can find an American who isn't too busy burping and cussing.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-15813075511905634042010-12-25T17:34:00.002-06:002010-12-25T17:39:47.765-06:00Ivory Coast President Laurent Gbagbo did not win reelection on November 28th, but refuses to leave office. If he doesn't relinquish power soon, the UN is threatening to officially declare him "Rudy Giuliani."Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-4561912424483250392010-10-04T20:25:00.000-05:002010-10-04T20:26:12.133-05:00In 2006, Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said she had classified information that China has "a strategic plan to take over America." The source, a takeout menu from a restaurant in Wilmington, revealed the takeover would be led by a General Tso, who thinks we are chicken.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-67758412163758202132010-04-01T20:30:00.002-05:002010-05-02T21:23:17.288-05:00Authorities in New Mexico are searching for answers to why heads and torsos have shown up in medical waste shipments from there. This as millions of Americans wonder how so many asses show up on talk radio every day.<br /><br />President Obama met today with emergency workers in Massachusetts struggling against disastrous flooding in the state. Controversial Sen. Scott Brown hasn't yet met with the workers, but says he'll do anything he can to help; even give them the shirt off his back.<br /><br />Lawyers for Michael Jackson's doctor are fighting to keep the California attorney general from suspending his medical license. Conrad Murray faces a manslaughter charge in the pop star's death, but - in his defense - attorneys are quick to remind everyone that he isn't the one responsible for Jackson's removable rubber noses, or the lyrics to "Rock With You."Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-63695848031168037472010-03-23T20:27:00.000-05:002010-04-01T20:33:16.974-05:00House Republican leader John Boehner met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today. In Hebrew, the word for "No" is pronounced as "Low," two concepts Boehner is well familiar with.<br /><br />Hard Rock International has announced plans to build a $300 million casino-hotel on the Atlantic City Boardwalk. It will be in the shape of the odd hair clump on top of 'Jersey Shore' star Snooki's head.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-17766392497035454202010-03-16T20:55:00.002-05:002010-03-16T20:57:08.647-05:00In a new game show on French TV, contestants zap a man with electricity until he cries for mercy, then zap him again until he seems to drop dead. This type of broadcast torture really isn't new. Here in the USA, viewers of NBC and listeners to commercial radio have endured painful torture under the guise of entertainment for years.<br /><br /><br />On Sunday morning, thieves in Enfield, Connecticut cut a hole in the roof of a warehouse and stole $75 million worth of antidepressants and other prescription drugs.<br /><br />...Experts say that many pills could almost fill the trunk of a Toyota Prius.<br /><br />...Republican leaders in the Senate immediately pointed to this as proof that resourceful Americans can always get the medications they need, without government interference.<br /><br />...Authorities believe the anti-depressants will end up sold by an online pharmacy, someone in South America or Asia. Or taken by the thieves themselves after sending out resumes for over a year and not being able to find work.<br /><br />...Police say the heist was well thought out and done by people who are highly sophisticated, thus ruling out members of the Tea Party and Glenn Beck fans.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-71133451778473888972010-01-12T19:30:00.001-06:002010-01-12T19:30:40.156-06:00Conan O'Brien has refused a 12:05 a.m. "Tonight Show" gig. It is reportedly the first time anyone has said "No" to NBC CEO Jeff Zucker since at least 1992.<br /><br />......In a continued effort to keep costs down, Zucker is said to be considering a daily 10-11 p.m. reality show featuring Matt Lauer playing pop hits on a clarinet shoved up his ass.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-19041488968493362942010-01-11T15:15:00.001-06:002010-01-11T15:15:53.578-06:00Richard Heene, who admitted orchestrating the balloon boy hoax, reported to jail Monday. In prison, he will finally realize his dream of being around a large group of people who are excited by how good his hair looks. Unfortunately, most of them will be real big guys called “Bubba.”<br /><br />Lady Gaga has been named Creative Director for a specialty line of Polaroid products. It’s a huge expense for the once-great company. After every meeting she attends, execs who were also there have to burn their clothes.<br /><br />…Marketing experts say the partnership will help the company appeal to younger demographics…and nauseate older ones.<br /><br />…Sources report that prior to signing with the troubled company, the 23-year-old singer thought Polaroid was an itching problem Alaskans have.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-23581003782949637412010-01-10T22:08:00.000-06:002010-01-10T22:09:29.012-06:00Art Clokey, creator of Gumby has died. The cartoon and toy sensation was popular in a simpler, more innocent time. Nowadays, media and marketing provide us with with much more to get bent out of shape about.<br /><br />Senator Harry Reid has apologized for calling President Obama a "light-skinned" African-American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." Sources say Reid realized it was the right thing to do last weekend, as he welcomed the arrival of a new year: 1964.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-51374370025935202612010-01-06T20:44:00.001-06:002010-01-06T20:53:25.139-06:00President Obama has announced a $250 million initiative to improve math and science education in the nation's schools. Experts decided it was necessary after determining that only 12 people in the entire country now know how to "solve for X."Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-32944123458304899602010-01-05T20:51:00.000-06:002010-01-05T20:52:12.578-06:00A new report says only 45% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs. Experts attribute this to the fact that most people who have jobs are working for McDonald’s, Walmart or reality TV producers.<br /><br />Kraft has improved their offer for British candymaker Cadbury. Rumor is they did it by promising to make the macaroni and cheese a little less orange.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-52615985034077664022010-01-04T15:05:00.001-06:002010-01-04T15:07:31.272-06:00A new book claims that Warren Beatty has had sex with 12,775 women. No wonder he never had time to do many interviews.<br /><br />...In news stories, some reporters are just rounding the figure up to 13,000. In reaction, Beatty reportedly said, "But if they do that, I'll look like a disgusting pig."<br /><br />...Experts who study superstitions say this could be a rare instance of a multiple of 13 being a lucky number. A r-e-a-l-l-y lucky number.<br /><br />...The story is moving so quickly across the Web that it's even making headlines in the tech world. Geeks all across America are wondering if they've even talked to 13 women.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-59463248894028006882009-12-30T16:54:00.002-06:002009-12-30T16:54:28.558-06:00The Netherlands will now use full body scanners on passengers headed to the USA. TV execs here are ecstatic, sensing a hot new reality series.<br /><br />...Even the most liberal among us here in the States reluctantly admit they'd probably want to take a gander at Sarah Palin's scan.<br /><br />...Mindful of how overweight so many Americans are, scanner operaters in the Netherlands will be provided with free anti-nausea pills when looking at the naked images.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-2959806609538830462009-12-27T18:41:00.000-06:002009-12-27T18:44:44.302-06:00A Nigerian man on today's Northwest Amsterdam to Detroit flight caused more problems for the airline. Latest reports say he is not a terrorist, but was suffering from intestinal problems...and subtly confirming what so many of us already know: Northwest Airlines is sh*t.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-25431183699887655352009-12-23T21:50:00.001-06:002009-12-23T21:52:11.720-06:00Richard Heene, father of the balloon boy, has been sentenced. A Colorado judge says Heene must serve 90 days in jail and four years probation: two for the balloon hoax and two for excessive use of hair gel.<br /><br />Singer Amy Winehouse was charged with assault Wednesday after an outburst while watching a play in London. An observer says she heckled cast members, kicked a theater employee in the groin and behaved “like a demonic child.” If found guilty, she could be fined, jailed, or move to the USA and run for senator from Connecticut.<br /><br />…The theater employee was not seriously injured and told colleagues he’s fortunate that Winehouse didn’t strike him with her hair.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-52027038324562952432009-12-22T15:16:00.001-06:002009-12-22T15:16:58.620-06:00First-term Alabama Congressman Parker Griffith is switching from Democrat to Republican. Observers speculate that if this doesn't get him more TV face time, he'll audition for reality shows and claim he slept with Tiger Woods.<br /><br />...The only way he could get more love from the right-wing media is if he changed his name to Andy Griffith.<br /><br />...Millions of Americans are now hoping for word that Joe Lieberman is becoming a Baptist.<br /><br />Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele is taking heat for receiving high speaking fees. The RNC says Steele is in complete compliance with the Republican credo, which states "Make as much money as you can, any way you can, and to heck with anyone who has a freakin' problem with that."<br /><br />A new poll says Mississippi is home to the most religious people in the nation. Analysts attribute this to residents constantly looking around and saying "Uuuggghh, Dear God, look at this place!"<br /><br />Alaska is home to the least religious people in the nation, according to a new report. Most Alaskans say they began questioning the existence of God right about the time Sarah Palin started speaking in public.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-54407610323130262292009-12-21T18:00:00.001-06:002009-12-22T15:16:17.530-06:00AP reports President Obama is naming Hispanics to top posts at a record pace. Conservatives say they’d do the same, but all posts would involve cleaning homes, offices or quickly assembling their burritos at Chipotle.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-43978898212558601302009-12-20T18:16:00.000-06:002009-12-20T18:17:01.280-06:00Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson is taking heat from both liberals and conservatives for his recent behavior in the health care debate. At this point, the only people willing to be seen in public with him are Joe Lieberman, the state dinner gate crashers and Tiger Woods' publicist.Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2755910179007004226.post-77425169865433340922009-12-12T16:38:00.000-06:002009-12-12T16:39:48.765-06:00General Motors has confirmed that it gave Tiger Woods the Cadillac Escalade that he crashed last month. Stockholders were furious at first, then decided it was good news, shooting down the belief that GM can't even give the vehicles away.<br /><br />Gillette will limit Tiger Woods' role in marketing. Woods is upset, reportedly recalling vividly that most of his paramours use Gillettte products...Marv K.http://www.blogger.com/profile/17062968682219473143noreply@blogger.com