Saturday, December 25, 2010

Ivory Coast President Laurent Gbagbo did not win reelection on November 28th, but refuses to leave office. If he doesn't relinquish power soon, the UN is threatening to officially declare him "Rudy Giuliani."

Monday, October 4, 2010

In 2006, Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell said she had classified information that China has "a strategic plan to take over America." The source, a takeout menu from a restaurant in Wilmington, revealed the takeover would be led by a General Tso, who thinks we are chicken.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Authorities in New Mexico are searching for answers to why heads and torsos have shown up in medical waste shipments from there. This as millions of Americans wonder how so many asses show up on talk radio every day.

President Obama met today with emergency workers in Massachusetts struggling against disastrous flooding in the state. Controversial Sen. Scott Brown hasn't yet met with the workers, but says he'll do anything he can to help; even give them the shirt off his back.

Lawyers for Michael Jackson's doctor are fighting to keep the California attorney general from suspending his medical license. Conrad Murray faces a manslaughter charge in the pop star's death, but - in his defense - attorneys are quick to remind everyone that he isn't the one responsible for Jackson's removable rubber noses, or the lyrics to "Rock With You."

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

House Republican leader John Boehner met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today. In Hebrew, the word for "No" is pronounced as "Low," two concepts Boehner is well familiar with.

Hard Rock International has announced plans to build a $300 million casino-hotel on the Atlantic City Boardwalk. It will be in the shape of the odd hair clump on top of 'Jersey Shore' star Snooki's head.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

In a new game show on French TV, contestants zap a man with electricity until he cries for mercy, then zap him again until he seems to drop dead. This type of broadcast torture really isn't new. Here in the USA, viewers of NBC and listeners to commercial radio have endured painful torture under the guise of entertainment for years.

On Sunday morning, thieves in Enfield, Connecticut cut a hole in the roof of a warehouse and stole $75 million worth of antidepressants and other prescription drugs.

...Experts say that many pills could almost fill the trunk of a Toyota Prius.

...Republican leaders in the Senate immediately pointed to this as proof that resourceful Americans can always get the medications they need, without government interference.

...Authorities believe the anti-depressants will end up sold by an online pharmacy, someone in South America or Asia. Or taken by the thieves themselves after sending out resumes for over a year and not being able to find work.

...Police say the heist was well thought out and done by people who are highly sophisticated, thus ruling out members of the Tea Party and Glenn Beck fans.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Conan O'Brien has refused a 12:05 a.m. "Tonight Show" gig. It is reportedly the first time anyone has said "No" to NBC CEO Jeff Zucker since at least 1992.

......In a continued effort to keep costs down, Zucker is said to be considering a daily 10-11 p.m. reality show featuring Matt Lauer playing pop hits on a clarinet shoved up his ass.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Richard Heene, who admitted orchestrating the balloon boy hoax, reported to jail Monday. In prison, he will finally realize his dream of being around a large group of people who are excited by how good his hair looks. Unfortunately, most of them will be real big guys called “Bubba.”

Lady Gaga has been named Creative Director for a specialty line of Polaroid products. It’s a huge expense for the once-great company. After every meeting she attends, execs who were also there have to burn their clothes.

…Marketing experts say the partnership will help the company appeal to younger demographics…and nauseate older ones.

…Sources report that prior to signing with the troubled company, the 23-year-old singer thought Polaroid was an itching problem Alaskans have.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Art Clokey, creator of Gumby has died. The cartoon and toy sensation was popular in a simpler, more innocent time. Nowadays, media and marketing provide us with with much more to get bent out of shape about.

Senator Harry Reid has apologized for calling President Obama a "light-skinned" African-American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." Sources say Reid realized it was the right thing to do last weekend, as he welcomed the arrival of a new year: 1964.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

President Obama has announced a $250 million initiative to improve math and science education in the nation's schools. Experts decided it was necessary after determining that only 12 people in the entire country now know how to "solve for X."

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A new report says only 45% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs. Experts attribute this to the fact that most people who have jobs are working for McDonald’s, Walmart or reality TV producers.

Kraft has improved their offer for British candymaker Cadbury. Rumor is they did it by promising to make the macaroni and cheese a little less orange.

Monday, January 4, 2010

A new book claims that Warren Beatty has had sex with 12,775 women. No wonder he never had time to do many interviews.

...In news stories, some reporters are just rounding the figure up to 13,000. In reaction, Beatty reportedly said, "But if they do that, I'll look like a disgusting pig."

...Experts who study superstitions say this could be a rare instance of a multiple of 13 being a lucky number. A r-e-a-l-l-y lucky number.

...The story is moving so quickly across the Web that it's even making headlines in the tech world. Geeks all across America are wondering if they've even talked to 13 women.