Monday, June 29, 2009

David Ebersman, a former executive at biotech firm Genentech, was named Monday as Facebook's chief financial officer. His first assignment will be to determine if Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has any human qualities and really is over age 14.

David Ebersman has been selected as Facebook's chief financial officer. He will take over the position once he has selected his five favorite bands, movies, beers and baseball teams, answered several dozen quizzes, and proved to superiors that he can adequately defend sleazy dating service ads and pages that take 10 minutes to completely load.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Prince needs to have hip replacement surgery. It's troubling for the mysterious singer who always tries to be so cool. The good news is that one more thing in his home is now purple: his ass after even a brief walk.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sen. John Ensign of Nevada resigned his Republican leadership post Wednesday, one day after confessing marital infidelity. Now, right wing talk show hosts looking for something admirable in Nevada will have to go back to pointing to slot machines and the Chicken Ranch.

The FDA has warned consumers to stop using Zicam products containing zinc gluconate. It has caused many to lose their sense of smell. The FDA will now go on to investigate people who eat Wise potato chips and watch prime-time network TV, since they have obviously lost their sense of taste.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A new study says that dreams and sleep are powerfully connected to the processing of human emotions. In a related story, Republicans haven’t been getting much sleep in the last 50 years.

At the annual AMA conference in Chicago yesterday, President Obama pressed doctors to back his health care overhaul efforts. The doctors listened attentively and then said they can’t make any decision until they first do an MRI, CAT Scan, EKG, lab work, hit the president on the knee with a rubber hammer, collect a $35 co-pay and make him fill out 12 pages of paperwork, especially the HIPAA privacy form.