Sunday, November 29, 2009

For the third time in as many days, Tiger Woods canceled a meeting with state troopers investigating his car accident alleged to be linked to a dispute with his wife. Many observers attribute this to the assumption that the two troopers could be the only people on earth who will not kiss his ass at the drop of a hat.

Senators Evan Bayh of Indiana and Jon Kyl of Arizona say authorities ought to pursue criminal charges against the Virginia couple who crashed last week's state dinner at the White House and such behavior should be strongly discouraged. At the very least, Democrat Bayh says offenders should be forced to try getting through the first four chapters of Sarah Palin's book.

...The couple is reportedly talking with broadcast networks about selling the rights to an interview about the incident for hundreds of thousands of dollars. Unidentified sources say the couple is familiar with such transactions, having sold their souls long ago.

A new Senate report says Osama bin Laden was unquestionably within reach of U.S. troops in 2001. Unfortunately, at the same time, a president who did anything but watch sports on TV and party with billionaire friends was never within reach.

New York State’s fiscal crisis is now expected to have to take another $10 million from the anti-smoking program to help balance the state budget. Observers are not yet sure how this will affect some politicians, who spend much of their time blowing smoke up our butts.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Jealous of all the attention Sarah Palin is getting with her new book "Going Rogue," New York State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver is reportedly working on an autobiography of his own: "Going Rugelach."

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

CNN host Lou Dobbs announced today that he would be leaving the network effective immediately.

...He says he is considering a number of options for the next stage in his career, KKK Grand Dragon believed to be among them.

...Upon learning of the news, Wolf Blitzer asked for an extra half hour in make-up and much shinier hair.

...In a statement, CNN President Jon Klein hailed Dobbs and then began drooling and mumbling uncontrollably.

...CNN's prime-time ratings have plummeted in recent months. The network will replace Dobbs with a reality show where people compete to chop their own genitals off.

...Some have suggested that the answer to CNN's woes is to return to its roots of real journalism. Unfortunately, nobody there has any idea how to do that, so they'll just keep putting on a salacious circus and hope for the best.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Kraft Foods has begun a hostile takeover attempt for British candy maker Cadbury. Brits were reportedly frightened after getting a look at the bright orange color of the macaroni and cheese.