Thursday, April 30, 2009

Researchers say huge ice chunks are breaking away from the Antarctic shelf. When told of the news, Senate Republicans said they'd be happy to use the ice for the extra martinis they're drinking lately.

Radio station chain Clear Channel laid off 960 people on Tuesday, after canning 1500 in January. When questioned, the fired announcers would only repeat the time, temperature, and their parents' pleas that they pursue more secure careers in plumbing or organized crime.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

IAC/InterActiveCorp, the company that owns dating service, this morning reported a first quarter loss of $28.4 million. Executives at the company are worried: they know that the balance sheets will look worse when you see them in person.

IAC/InterActiveCorp, the company that owns search engine, this morning reported a first quarter loss of $28.4 million. This comes as sad news to the 15 people who use

President Obama beamed this morning as he and Vice President Biden officially welcomed Arlen Specter to the Democratic Party. This, mainly because both Biden and Specter’s mouths had been taped shut.

Microsoft and Verizon are reportedly talking about launching “a touch-screen multimedia cell phone” that combines Windows Mobile and Zune software. The phone is expected to sell well among those who own Yugos and the DVD edition of “Ishtar.”

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Pat Buchanan told MSNBC today that the Republican Party is "a heavily white party." He then went on to describe water as "heavily wet."

A Chihuahua has been reunited with its owners after the dog was blown away by a gust of wind. The dog's "bark all" story will be the subject of a new book and made-for-TV movie.

...Taco Bell is suing for copyright infringement, pointing to old TV ads and what happens when many customers eat there.

New studies by the University at Buffalo and Miami University of Ohio found that watching TV can drive away feelings of loneliness and rejection. Unfortunately, it can also turn you into an angry, competitive, greedy, horny, drooling moron.

Police in the Seychelles Islands have arrested nine people suspected of being the pirates who attempted to take over a cruise ship last weekend. Passengers are calling for stiff penalties. Anyone who threatens their access to the buffet must suffer.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

An cruise ship with 1,500 people on board fended off a pirate attack far off the coast of Somalia. Israeli private security forces on the ship began playing selections from a Kathie Lee Gifford CD and drove the bandits away.

MySpace tapped a former Facebook executive as its new CEO. Owen Van Natta is 39 years old, at least twice the age of most MySpace users.

Former Facebook executive Owen Van Natta will be the new CEO of MySpace. He is expected to start in approximately two weeks, about the same time it takes for a MySpace page to fully load.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Julie Chen of CBS' "The Early Show" and "Big Brother" has announced that she is pregnant. Her husband is Les Moonves, CEO of CBS. She's 38, he's 60. Her due date is Oct. 4th. The child's first psychotherapy session is planned for early 2011.

...Moonves is also the great-nephew of David Ben-Gurion, the first Prime Minister of Israel, who, at word of the news, was turning over in his grave at a rate of 48 miles per hour.

At a news conference in Moscow, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the software giant will invest $300 million in Russia projects over the next three years. Observers say Russians are so used to dealing with corruption and frustration that the new Windows 7 will look pretty darn good to them.

The Somali pirate who attacked an American cargo ship appeared in a New York City courtroom on Tuesday. He will be tried as an adult and faces stiff penalties under our justice system: life in prison...and viewing NBC's prime time lineup.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Yahoo Inc. will cut 600 to 700 jobs as its slump worsened in the first quarter and ad revenues were down. The company says the layoffs will not change the user experience for the 12 people who still use Yahoo.

India's child-rights watchdog is investigating allegations by a tabloid that the father of a "Slumdog Millionaire" child star tried to sell her to an undercover reporter. Entertainment industry observers are shocked: usually it's just celebrities themselves, selling their souls.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich slammed President Obama Monday for his friendly greeting of controversial Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. Reporters were unable to understand much more of what Gingrich said, as his lips were curiously locked onto Rush Limbuagh's ass.

Oracle Corp. has offered to buy Sun Microsystems for $7.4 billion on Monday. CEOs hope the Justice Department will clearly see its way to approving the merger

Bank of America Corp. warned of worsening loan default problems Monday even as it posted a first-quarter profit of $2.81 billion. Observers say it would've done better if it stopped mailing everyone credit card offers five times a month.

The New York Times won five Pulitzer Prizes for journalism today. The financially strapped company is expected to melt the statues down and sell them for scrap.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

North and South Korea have agreed to hold their first dialogue in a year. Relations are icy between the north and high-tech South. Initial talks will take place using cell phones that Verizon isn't expected to offer for another 10 years.

Police say a man posing as a waiter collected $186 in cash from diners at two restaurants in New Jersey and walked out with the money in his pocket. Victims admit they should have suspected something was amiss when the waiter didn't say, "Sorry, this ain't my table."

...Donald Trump is expected to offer the waiter an executive position by next Tuesday.

...Washington observers say say the ruse was even more ingenious than what GM and AIG have done.

Action star Jackie Chan said Saturday he's not sure if a free society is a good thing for China and that he's starting to think "we Chinese need to be controlled." American observers agreed and asked for their hot sauce on the side.

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Florida legislator has proposed a bill that would require state residents to pass a drug test before they get unemployment payments. It should cut down on expenses: most Floridians need to take drugs to cope with the hot weather and crazy drivers.

General Growth Properties Inc, the second-largest U.S. mall owner, declared bankruptcy on Thursday in the biggest real estate failure in U.S. history. They listed total assets of $29.56 billion, almost all in soft pretzels, glowing athletic shoes, and needlessly engraved tchotchkes.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

An American freighter loaded with food aid escaped an attack by Somali pirates. The pirates stopped firing on the vessel when the American captain threatened to bombard them with pistachio nuts.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says the pirate drama over the last week shows value of simple weapons. Washington observers expect the FCC to follow suit, saying reality TV shows the value of simple minds.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Mail order pharmacy Express Scripts Inc. said Monday it is buying rival WellPoint NextRX for $4.8 billion. At least we think that's what's happening. Nobody outside the two companies was able to read the handwriting on the press release.

...activists immediately reminded the public that a similar corporate takeover in Canada would cost only $1.2 billion. anticipation of a bad reaction, stockholders voted to start by breaking NetRX in half to see if it makes them nauseous.

The Jimmy Carter Visitor Center lost its Georgia state funding Tuesday due to budget cuts. Carter immediately accused the state of "tourism apartheid," scheduled a trip abroad, and began promoting a new book.

TMZ reports that Mel Gibson's wife Robyn will file to divorce Gibson. Every Jewish lawyer in North America is expected to hope for the opportunity to represent Mrs. Gibson.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

India's 485 million head of livestock are burping, belching and excreting copious amounts of methane gas, contributing to global warming. Scientists say the dangers are almost as great as what right-wing talk radio hosts generate into the air every week.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Former Bush advisor Karl Rove called Joe Biden a “blowhard” and a “liar” in response to some of the vice president’s comments about the Bush administration. He would have said more, but he had to get back to listening to the Rush Limbaugh show.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

President Obama will celebrate the first-ever Presidential Passover seder at the White House tonight. It will be a contemporary service: when they recite the 10 plagues, eight of them will be right-wing talk show hosts.

Fierce competition in the prepaid cellular market has prompted Virgin Mobile to lower it's rates. Virgin uses the Sprint network. Customers will save big in the 12 square miles nationwide where they can actually get a signal.

Britney Spears is apologizing to fans after smoky conditions at a concert in Vancouver, BC, led to a 30-minute delay in her show. Well, she didn't actually apologize, she just drooled and giggled a bit.

...Spears' publicist, Holly Shakoor, told reporters she'd much rather be a publicist for GM or AIG, but there are no jobs available.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Fishermen in the Philippines accidentally caught and later ate a megamouth shark, one of the rarest fishes in the world. In other news, Rush Limbaugh has canceled a planned visit to the Philippines.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Madonna has lost her bid to adopt a second child from Malawi. Her lawyer there says she is appealing. These days, he's probably the only person left on earth who thinks so.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Speaking at a town-hall style rally in Strasbourg, France, President Obama received thunderous cheers when he pledged to repair damaged relations with Europe. Looking up from his comic book in Texas, George W. Bush wondered how all those people got into the event without wearing shoes.

A judge in Malawi has rejected Madonna's request to adopt a child from the African nation. Observers believe this is the first time Madonna has heard the word "No" since the coddled celeb hit the charts in 1983.

Touch screens are all the rage at the CTIA, North America's largest cell phone trade show, running this week in Las Vegas. Vendors are touting new and impressive phones and features coming soon...unless, of course, your service is with Verizon, which is pretty darn happy with the same 12 phones it's made available since 2005.

The investigation into a nationwide salmonella scare over pistachio nuts has spread from a California nut processor to its sister plant on Long Island, where inspectors last month found cockroaches and rodent droppings. A company spokesman told reporters the plant is now spotless, saying customers can eat off the ground it is so spotless. Well, actually, he said it about "Your mother."

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Seven students have been punished for violating the code of conduct at Oprah Winfrey's school for disadvantaged girls in South Africa. They will have to stay after class and try to find any difference from one issue of the Oprah magazine to the next.

After 72 years on the air, Guiding Light will broadcast its final episode on September 18th. And the Bauer family is still just as messed-up as it was back in 1937.