Thursday, April 30, 2009
Radio station chain Clear Channel laid off 960 people on Tuesday, after canning 1500 in January. When questioned, the fired announcers would only repeat the time, temperature, and their parents' pleas that they pursue more secure careers in plumbing or organized crime.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
IAC/InterActiveCorp, the company that owns dating service Match.com, this morning reported a first quarter loss of $28.4 million. Executives at the company are worried: they know that the balance sheets will look worse when you see them in person.
IAC/InterActiveCorp, the company that owns search engine Ask.com, this morning reported a first quarter loss of $28.4 million. This comes as sad news to the 15 people who use Ask.com.
President Obama beamed this morning as he and Vice President Biden officially welcomed Arlen Specter to the Democratic Party. This, mainly because both Biden and Specter’s mouths had been taped shut.Microsoft and Verizon are reportedly talking about launching “a touch-screen multimedia cell phone” that combines Windows Mobile and Zune software. The phone is expected to sell well among those who own Yugos and the DVD edition of “Ishtar.”
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
A Chihuahua has been reunited with its owners after the dog was blown away by a gust of wind. The dog's "bark all" story will be the subject of a new book and made-for-TV movie.
...Taco Bell is suing for copyright infringement, pointing to old TV ads and what happens when many customers eat there.
New studies by the University at Buffalo and Miami University of Ohio found that watching TV can drive away feelings of loneliness and rejection. Unfortunately, it can also turn you into an angry, competitive, greedy, horny, drooling moron.
Police in the Seychelles Islands have arrested nine people suspected of being the pirates who attempted to take over a cruise ship last weekend. Passengers are calling for stiff penalties. Anyone who threatens their access to the buffet must suffer.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
MySpace tapped a former Facebook executive as its new CEO. Owen Van Natta is 39 years old, at least twice the age of most MySpace users.
Former Facebook executive Owen Van Natta will be the new CEO of MySpace. He is expected to start in approximately two weeks, about the same time it takes for a MySpace page to fully load.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
...Moonves is also the great-nephew of David Ben-Gurion, the first Prime Minister of Israel, who, at word of the news, was turning over in his grave at a rate of 48 miles per hour.
At a news conference in Moscow, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said the software giant will invest $300 million in Russia projects over the next three years. Observers say Russians are so used to dealing with corruption and frustration that the new Windows 7 will look pretty darn good to them.
The Somali pirate who attacked an American cargo ship appeared in a New York City courtroom on Tuesday. He will be tried as an adult and faces stiff penalties under our justice system: life in prison...and viewing NBC's prime time lineup.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
India's child-rights watchdog is investigating allegations by a tabloid that the father of a "Slumdog Millionaire" child star tried to sell her to an undercover reporter. Entertainment industry observers are shocked: usually it's just celebrities themselves, selling their souls.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Oracle Corp. has offered to buy Sun Microsystems for $7.4 billion on Monday. CEOs hope the Justice Department will clearly see its way to approving the merger
Bank of America Corp. warned of worsening loan default problems Monday even as it posted a first-quarter profit of $2.81 billion. Observers say it would've done better if it stopped mailing everyone credit card offers five times a month.
The New York Times won five Pulitzer Prizes for journalism today. The financially strapped company is expected to melt the statues down and sell them for scrap.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Police say a man posing as a waiter collected $186 in cash from diners at two restaurants in New Jersey and walked out with the money in his pocket. Victims admit they should have suspected something was amiss when the waiter didn't say, "Sorry, this ain't my table."
...Donald Trump is expected to offer the waiter an executive position by next Tuesday.
...Washington observers say say the ruse was even more ingenious than what GM and AIG have done.
Action star Jackie Chan said Saturday he's not sure if a free society is a good thing for China and that he's starting to think "we Chinese need to be controlled." American observers agreed and asked for their hot sauce on the side.
Friday, April 17, 2009
General Growth Properties Inc, the second-largest U.S. mall owner, declared bankruptcy on Thursday in the biggest real estate failure in U.S. history. They listed total assets of $29.56 billion, almost all in soft pretzels, glowing athletic shoes, and needlessly engraved tchotchkes.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Defense Secretary Robert Gates says the pirate drama over the last week shows value of simple weapons. Washington observers expect the FCC to follow suit, saying reality TV shows the value of simple minds.
Monday, April 13, 2009
...activists immediately reminded the public that a similar corporate takeover in Canada would cost only $1.2 billion.
...in anticipation of a bad reaction, stockholders voted to start by breaking NetRX in half to see if it makes them nauseous.
The Jimmy Carter Visitor Center lost its Georgia state funding Tuesday due to budget cuts. Carter immediately accused the state of "tourism apartheid," scheduled a trip abroad, and began promoting a new book.
TMZ reports that Mel Gibson's wife Robyn will file to divorce Gibson. Every Jewish lawyer in North America is expected to hope for the opportunity to represent Mrs. Gibson.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Fierce competition in the prepaid cellular market has prompted Virgin Mobile to lower it's rates. Virgin uses the Sprint network. Customers will save big in the 12 square miles nationwide where they can actually get a signal.
Britney Spears is apologizing to fans after smoky conditions at a concert in Vancouver, BC, led to a 30-minute delay in her show. Well, she didn't actually apologize, she just drooled and giggled a bit.
...Spears' publicist, Holly Shakoor, told reporters she'd much rather be a publicist for GM or AIG, but there are no jobs available.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
A judge in Malawi has rejected Madonna's request to adopt a child from the African nation. Observers believe this is the first time Madonna has heard the word "No" since the coddled celeb hit the charts in 1983.
Touch screens are all the rage at the CTIA, North America's largest cell phone trade show, running this week in Las Vegas. Vendors are touting new and impressive phones and features coming soon...unless, of course, your service is with Verizon, which is pretty darn happy with the same 12 phones it's made available since 2005.
The investigation into a nationwide salmonella scare over pistachio nuts has spread from a California nut processor to its sister plant on Long Island, where inspectors last month found cockroaches and rodent droppings. A company spokesman told reporters the plant is now spotless, saying customers can eat off the ground it is so spotless. Well, actually, he said it about "Your mother."
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
After 72 years on the air, Guiding Light will broadcast its final episode on September 18th. And the Bauer family is still just as messed-up as it was back in 1937.