Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Fox News launched a new Web site, FoxNation.com, on Monday, featuring columns, blogs and videos by the network's personalities. Contributors include Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Greta Van Susteren. Fox says the site will increase the network's online reach, making it possible to piss people off without even having to turn on the TV.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Hundreds of Australians celebrated in Queensland on Sunday as thousands of poisonous cane toads were were killed. It was the first annual "Toad Day Out" festival. For next year's event, organizers are hoping for a special appearance by Rush Limbaugh.

In a visit to Malawi, Madonna refused to answer rumors that she would begin proceedings this week to adopt a young girl there. This, mainly because only about 12 people in the entire world would be interested.

The giant, fast-moving Internet worm that has infected at least 3 million PCs is set to do even greater damage on Wednesday — April Fools' Day. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer attempted to convince reporters that he's really not such a bad guy.

Scientists from UT Austin have discovered big-eyed, blob-like animals adapted to darkness that could change what we believe about evolution. The late-night radio talk show hosts said they want a daytime gig, but there just aren't any openings.

Friday, March 27, 2009

U.S. consumer spending rose by 0.2 percent in February. The Commerce Department attributes the increase to a guy in Ohio purchasing a large size package beef jerky at the Wal-Mart Supercenter.

"The Haunting in Connecticut" debuts in theatres this weekend. A family experiences supernatural behavior in their new home: they are able to stay awake through a speech by Joe Lieberman.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Pirates hijacked two chemical tankers off the Somali coastline within 24 hours this week. They would have taken a third, but they were busy finishing up resumes to send to AIG.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An AIG executive who received a bonus worth more than $742,000 after taxes has resigned publicly — in an Op-Ed column in The New York Times. He is expected to take a job with the Keebler company, citing his experience with his hand in the jar.

Postmaster General John Potter warned today that he financially strapped U.S. Postal Service will run out of money this year without help from Congress. Congress said he can expect an answer sometime between next Tuesday and Friday, unless he applies $2.50 more in stamps.

The Canadian Broadcasting Corp. plans to sell $125 million worth of assets and cut up to 800 jobs to make up for a $171 million budget shortfall. The laid off workers will be replaced by one guy who'll run up and down Portage Street in Winnipeg, shouting the news into a megaphone.

Monday, March 23, 2009

A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with production of brain chemicals that cause them to make and maintain friendships. And buy lots of shoes.

...Researches say there is no comparable response in men...unless you count the Budweiser.

South Africa barred the Dalai Lama from a peace conference in Johannesburg this week, saying it did not want to endanger the government’s relationship with China. Sure, peace is good, but cheap toys and furniture are what people really want.

…The Dalai Lama is also expected to be barred from upcoming peace conferences at the headquarters of Wal-Mart, Target, and Dollar Tree.

“Today” show co-host Matt Lauer took Monday off after a weekend bicycle accident. He suffered bruises, a displaced shoulder, and scratches to the full-length mirror he carries with him at all times.

…Lauer says the accident would have been much worse if his can of hairspray exploded.

In a “60 Minutes” interview on Sunday, President Obama said anger isn’t a governing strategy. But, for some reason, it’s a great way to keep people listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Gov. Sarah Palin said Thursday that she would accept only 69 percent of the estimated $930 million dollars in Stimulus funds available to her state. Palin rejects money with strings attached. Unless the strings are attached to lovely dresses from Nieman Marcus.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Jaguar and Buick have dethroned Lexus in the new J.D. Power vehicle dependability study. This is a great source of pride to the 17 people who actually own a Buick.

Microsoft will release its new Internet Explorer 8 Web browser on Wednesday at noon, EDT. Dangerous flaws are expected to be discovered by 12:09.

Malibu neighbors are complaining about bad odors from an outdoor toilet at the home of Bob Dylan. And they say, in retrospect, his music really doesn't have such a good fragrance, either.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Matt Jones has been kicked off the team over drug issues. Many can sympathize: you really need to be medicated to live in Jacksonville.

Many Texans are up in arms over a bill that would require anyone under 18 years old to get a doctor's note before using a tanning bed and would require a parent be with them in the salon. Opponents point to California, where a note is required if you don't want to begin tanning...as an infant.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Today is St. Patrick's Day. It's a day when millions worldwide are green...with envy over their neighbors who still have jobs.

Sprint is promoting its Everything Messaging plan. For $49.99 a month, you're assured easy communication with everyone. Except customer service.

NBC is dropping the "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" feature. It was most successful in 2007, when the humor segment hid him under the category "Journalist."

UK and US scientists say they have been able to read people's thoughts by using brain scans. Further research will attempt to explain flatline results in all Rush Limbaugh Show listeners.

Cell phone maker Nokia said Tuesday it will lay off 1,700 people worldwide to cut costs. The company boasted that the layoff notices were 27% smaller than last year's.

...When fired employees hit the "Send" button on their phones, a high-resolution touch-screen pointed them to the door.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Acoustic monitoring for endangered right whales off New York harbor is ending. Scientists from Cornell University were told by the whales to "mind your own freakin' business."

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A new survey says many states are lagging in making public records available online. And here Pennsylvania was so proud of that new pencil sharpener they bought last week.

Police in Arkansas say a woman has been arrested for allegedly slipping some tranquilizers into her boss's coffee because she felt "he needed to chill out." When the boss recovers, he will star in a new reality series on NBC.

...Upon learning of the story, Rush Limbaugh immediately hired a guy to taste all his food before he does.

A California condor has been captured and treated for lead poisoning and gunshot wounds. If it recovers, doctors will order the bird to get the hell out of California.

...the bird has already been offered a recording contract with rap music company Def Jam.

Some experts fear Navy sonar may harm Florida's right whales. A majority of the state's residents say that as long as they can keep working on their tans and get to hair appointments, to heck with the whales.

In a keynote address to the American Council on Education, the president of Ohio State said universities can survive only with radical reform. In response, most undergrads say they don't mind changes, unless it affects their ability to get a hold of some beer on Saturday nights.

Friday, March 13, 2009

AT&T, the largest employer of union labor in the country, is renegotiating contracts that cover 112,500 workers. The company is hoping for big concessions and putting it in terms workers will understand: "Press one if you want to keep your job..."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Police in southwest China have started serving drivers raw chili peppers at highway service stations in a bid to stop them falling asleep at the wheel. Road signs proclaiming "Gas-Food" suddenly have a whole new meaning.

EBay Inc. says its PayPal division will double in size by 2011. This, of course, if people actually have enough money to buy anything.

An article in “Parade” magazine questions whether the US has enough spies. Most Americans were unaware of this. Since at least 1982, they've thrown "Parade" right into the recycling bin without reading it.

Michael Steele, the new chairman of the Republican National Committee, told GQ that he is pro-choice. On CNN, he said Rush Limbaugh is an entertainer whose comments are "Incendiary and ugly." Political scientists have a name for people who believe what Steele does: Democrats.

Two days after being released by the Dallas Cowboys, Terrell Owens signed a one-year, $6.5 million contract with the Buffalo Bills. During a press conference, the high-maintenance wide receiver said, “I beat to my own beat.” Buffalo is a very earthy place. Locals expect Owens to be a lot less mouthy when he's wearing big furry mittens and earmuffs.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board is spending more than $173,000 on training to try to make its 4,000 clerks friendlier. If it's successful, the training will be expanded to include the state's other 12,444,279 residents.

Former NBA player and $yracu$e Univer$ity star Damone Brown is due in a Buffalo courtroom to face a money laundering charge. Fans in Syracuse are shocked that there's actually any money left in Buffalo to launder.

Police with the New Mexico Motor Transportation Division found 1,200 pounds of pot packed in cans labeled as spinach. This could finally explain Popeye's eyes.

The Kansas City Auto Show begins today. It's a way for car buyers to do some low-pressure shopping. As many as 12 people are expected to attend.

The New York Times reports "Europeans Debate Castration of Sex Offenders." They've moved on to this issue after concluding that the economy has already been castrated.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

For the first time in its 20 year history, GPS device maker Garmin announced layoffs on Monday. 141 workers were given turn-by-turn directions from their cubicles to home, with a cheerful electronic voice telling them never to come back.

The McClatchy Company, owner of 30 daily newspapers around the country, announced a 15% staff reduction and salary cutbacks for all remaining employees. The 12 Americans who read still read newspapers were unavailable for comment.
The FBI is investigating a North Syracuse, NY magician's claim that he successfully shipped himself in a crate to Las Vegas via the United Parcel Service. If it is proven true, the magician will immediately be appointed to President Obama's budget team.

President Obama proposes merit pay for teachers, a concept educators strongly oppose. The White House is not expecting much of a fight. Most teachers are too busy getting kids to stop texting and checking Facebook.

Researchers in Boston say warmer weather and changes in atmospheric pressure may trigger headaches and migraines. And here we thought it was all those stupid TV shows.

A report in the journal Current Biology says an extensive study of a chimpanzee's belligerent, anti-social behavior proves that animals make plans. In a related story, Rush Limbaugh plans to talk about the president and the economy on today's show.

An extensive study of a chimpanzee's belligerent, anti-social behavior in a Zoo in Sweden proves that animals make plans. Now that the study has been completed, researchers have stopped playing ABBA songs in the chimp's cage.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Results of a survey released today show that 15 percent of Americans have no religion. In a related story, thunderstorms are expected throughout much of the nation's heartland this afternoon.

The White House's top budget official declared on Sunday that "fundamentally, the economy is weak." Peter Orszag went on to say that the Atlantic Ocean is "fundamentally moist."
Appearing on CNBC Monday, billionaire Warren Buffet said the economy has fallen off a cliff. Attorneys for Wile E. Coyote are exploring the possibility of a slander suit. When questioned about this outside his Texas residence, ex-President George W. Bush would only say "Beep-beep."

Pharmaceutical giant Merck & Co. is buying rival Schering-Plough Corp. for $41.1 billion. The company dates back to 1908 Memphis, when 16 year old Abe Plough sold Plough's Antiseptic Healing Oil, a "sure cure for any ill of man or beast," door-to-door from a horse-drawn buggy. He was the inspiration for Republicans and high school drop-out talk radio hosts to this very day.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Jewish holiday of Purim is this week. It recalls a sad era of sex, seduction, intrigue, exhibitionism, partying and orgies in a strange, foreign land. The holiday is especially meaningful to Jewish residents of Southern California.

...Biblical scholars believe the events took place in what is now either the city of Susa, Iran...or the backlot at Fox.

...When questioned about the holiday, publicist Eliot Mintz would only say that his client Paris Hilton is not now and has never been Jewish.

Alex Rodriguez will undergo surgery for a hip injury. The good news for him is that he now qualifies for the $6.99 early dinner special at many South Florida restaurants.

Alex Rodriguez is expected to be out of the New York Yankees lineup for six to nine weeks following hip surgery. Once again, A-Rod is making an ass of himself.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

On Thursday, disgraced financier Bernie Madoff is expected to enter a guilty plea and face the people he is accused of cheating. People from all around the country are expected to attend. This could be the first time Madoff hears the phrase "open up a can of whoop-ass."

Authorities say a former bookkeeper in California embezzled $9.9 million, forcing her company to make layoffs as she bought 400 pairs of shoes that she kept in a room-sized closet decorated with a crystal chandelier and a plasma television. When questioned on the subject, many Californians described the woman as "Way cool" and are calling for her to run for governor.

Microsoft will give PC users the option to turn off the company's own Internet Explorer Web browser in its new Windows 7 operating system. This after the browser has been turning off users for over a decade.

CNN medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta has withdrawn from consideration for the US surgeon general position. However, CNN financial correspondent Ali Velshi is in contention to replace the fast talking FedEx guy we all laugh at.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man - 700 pounds - said Thursday he is having a 1989 Chevrolet Astrovan outfitted to support his record-breaking weight, giving him mobility after more than six years of being confined to bed. This is a first: someone bought something made by General Motors.

...Once completed, Uribe plans to drive the van to Philadelphia for a box of Tastycakes.

Michael Jackson's Thursday announcement of 10 "final curtain call" concerts in London raises more questions than it answers: Is it a comeback or a swansong? Will he sing or lipsynch? Has he still got the moves? Does anybody care?

Stocks were set to open higher after a report showing job losses that were huge, but not as horrific as many traders feared. Only on Wall Street can 651,000 newly unemployed people be considered good news.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Kyrgyzstan is willing to negotiate a new deal allowing American troops to operate there. The story will not get much coverage in the USA. Most Americans don't know where Kyrgyzstan is. Or England. Or France. Or Canada.

Former first lady Barbara Bush was in good condition and resting comfortably Thursday following heart surgery. Doctors do not believe the condition can be inherited, especially since son George W. apparently has no heart.

Police say a 12-year-old Michigan boy was shot and killed when a gun being cleaned by his father went off. The NRA and its right-wing radio chorus immediately reacted by saying, "Guns don't kill people, dirty shmatas do."

Michael Jackson on Thursday announced a set of major London concerts -- which he called a "final curtain call." Jackson was more than 90 minutes late for the announcement that lasted about three minutes. It was not immediately clear if Jackson meant the concerts were his "curtain call" for London or the wider world, which nose he will be wearing for the concerts, or if he has the slightest idea that it's not 1982 anymore.

Scientists have found a new moon hidden in one of Saturn's dazzling outer rings. Upon learning of the news, many college freshmen from Long Island reacted by dropping their pants: "Y'wanna see a dazzling moon?"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

A customer shopping at Wal-Mart in Falmouth, Mass. says he found 10 human teeth Saturday when he unzipped a compartment in a wallet. A Wal-Mart spokesman disputes the claim, saying nobody working in the offshore factory where the wallet was made is old enough to have that many teeth.

...A Wal-Mart spokesman disputes the claim, saying the customer is just trying to put the bite on them.

Authorities report that a Florida woman called 911 three times after McDonald's employees told her they were out of Chicken McNuggets. Police said they could not respond to such frivolous calls...unless donuts were involved.

Amazon on Wednesday unveiled a new iPhone/iPod Touch application that will allow users to read Kindle e-books on the devices. The company expects to attract a new audience of highly tech-savvy geeks who have never actually read a book before...or left their basements...or talked to a girl.

The European Union has ended full-time monitoring of the Microsoft Corporation after years of concerns over anti-competitive practices. The Union wanted to continue monitoring, but their Windows Vista PC just keeps on locking-up.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

A new study reports that children who watch television for more than two hours a day have twice the risk of developing asthma. This adds to the already held belief that, for most sane adults, watching any commercial television increases the risk of nausea.

Stamford, Connecticut police say two teenagers who refused to help their father shovel snow from the driveway allegedly attacked him with shovels. Political scientists liken the attack to how Fox News provides its viewers with information.

A 300-million-year-old fossilized fish brain has been discovered by researchers in Kansas. The fossilized brain is very small and very rare. Paleontologists say it is comparable to that of the average Rush Limbaugh program listener.

WTVH, the CBS-TV affiliate in Syracuse, on Monday shut down its entire news department, laying off 40 people. The station will replace unprofitable local newscasts with a new game show: "Who Wants to Be an Ignoramus?"

Monday, March 2, 2009

U.S. consumer spending rebounded in January, after six months of declines. The Commerce Department attributes the 0.6 percent rise to a guy in Cleveland super-sizing his order at McDonald's.

Kansas Democratic Gov. Kathleen Sebelius is President Obama's choice for health and human services secretary. With her departure, the state will now have a total population of 2,802,133; 12 of whom are Democrats.

An Ohio woman was ticketed for breast feeding and talking on her cell phone while driving. She was immediately offered a sitcom on Fox if she could do the same thing with seven more children in the car.

The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors proclaims the first week in March "No Cussing Week" throughout the county. The same thing was tried on Long Island. It lasted four seconds.

Home Depot reported a loss of $54 Million in the fourth quarter. And you thought it was tough to find help in there before...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

A rare March snow blanketed much of Alabama on Sunday. Residents of the state aren't used to dealing with snow. Many have resorted to throwing fried okra on the roads for traction.

A scientific journal says a funky, psychedelic fish that bounces on the ocean floor like a rubber ball has been classified as a new species. The frogfish — which has a swirl of tan and peach zebra stripes that extend from its aqua eyes to its tail — was discovered a year ago in shallow waters off Ambon Island in Indonesia. Experts expect the fish to sign a book deal and get it's own TV series later this week.

...There is no truth to rumors that Brad Pitt has dumped Angelina Jolie and moved in with the fish.

...Negotiations are underway to have the fish deliver the Republican response to the next presidential address to the nation.

U.N. peacekeepers have upset traditional wild asparagus harvesters on the ethnically divided island of Cyprus by preventing them from entering a buffer zone to gather the tasty shoots. American troops have expressed no interest in getting involved unless they're given a couple of burgers, fries and cheese sauce first.

A team of scientists has determined that bacteria found in people's spit does not vary much around the world. The American portion of the research was done by examining what ex-President W did to the constitution.