Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Conan O'Brien has refused a 12:05 a.m. "Tonight Show" gig. It is reportedly the first time anyone has said "No" to NBC CEO Jeff Zucker since at least 1992.

......In a continued effort to keep costs down, Zucker is said to be considering a daily 10-11 p.m. reality show featuring Matt Lauer playing pop hits on a clarinet shoved up his ass.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Richard Heene, who admitted orchestrating the balloon boy hoax, reported to jail Monday. In prison, he will finally realize his dream of being around a large group of people who are excited by how good his hair looks. Unfortunately, most of them will be real big guys called “Bubba.”

Lady Gaga has been named Creative Director for a specialty line of Polaroid products. It’s a huge expense for the once-great company. After every meeting she attends, execs who were also there have to burn their clothes.

…Marketing experts say the partnership will help the company appeal to younger demographics…and nauseate older ones.

…Sources report that prior to signing with the troubled company, the 23-year-old singer thought Polaroid was an itching problem Alaskans have.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Art Clokey, creator of Gumby has died. The cartoon and toy sensation was popular in a simpler, more innocent time. Nowadays, media and marketing provide us with with much more to get bent out of shape about.

Senator Harry Reid has apologized for calling President Obama a "light-skinned" African-American "with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one." Sources say Reid realized it was the right thing to do last weekend, as he welcomed the arrival of a new year: 1964.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

President Obama has announced a $250 million initiative to improve math and science education in the nation's schools. Experts decided it was necessary after determining that only 12 people in the entire country now know how to "solve for X."

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A new report says only 45% of Americans are satisfied with their jobs. Experts attribute this to the fact that most people who have jobs are working for McDonald’s, Walmart or reality TV producers.

Kraft has improved their offer for British candymaker Cadbury. Rumor is they did it by promising to make the macaroni and cheese a little less orange.

Monday, January 4, 2010

A new book claims that Warren Beatty has had sex with 12,775 women. No wonder he never had time to do many interviews.

...In news stories, some reporters are just rounding the figure up to 13,000. In reaction, Beatty reportedly said, "But if they do that, I'll look like a disgusting pig."

...Experts who study superstitions say this could be a rare instance of a multiple of 13 being a lucky number. A r-e-a-l-l-y lucky number.

...The story is moving so quickly across the Web that it's even making headlines in the tech world. Geeks all across America are wondering if they've even talked to 13 women.