Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Netherlands will now use full body scanners on passengers headed to the USA. TV execs here are ecstatic, sensing a hot new reality series.

...Even the most liberal among us here in the States reluctantly admit they'd probably want to take a gander at Sarah Palin's scan.

...Mindful of how overweight so many Americans are, scanner operaters in the Netherlands will be provided with free anti-nausea pills when looking at the naked images.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

A Nigerian man on today's Northwest Amsterdam to Detroit flight caused more problems for the airline. Latest reports say he is not a terrorist, but was suffering from intestinal problems...and subtly confirming what so many of us already know: Northwest Airlines is sh*t.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Richard Heene, father of the balloon boy, has been sentenced. A Colorado judge says Heene must serve 90 days in jail and four years probation: two for the balloon hoax and two for excessive use of hair gel.

Singer Amy Winehouse was charged with assault Wednesday after an outburst while watching a play in London. An observer says she heckled cast members, kicked a theater employee in the groin and behaved “like a demonic child.” If found guilty, she could be fined, jailed, or move to the USA and run for senator from Connecticut.

…The theater employee was not seriously injured and told colleagues he’s fortunate that Winehouse didn’t strike him with her hair.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

First-term Alabama Congressman Parker Griffith is switching from Democrat to Republican. Observers speculate that if this doesn't get him more TV face time, he'll audition for reality shows and claim he slept with Tiger Woods.

...The only way he could get more love from the right-wing media is if he changed his name to Andy Griffith.

...Millions of Americans are now hoping for word that Joe Lieberman is becoming a Baptist.

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele is taking heat for receiving high speaking fees. The RNC says Steele is in complete compliance with the Republican credo, which states "Make as much money as you can, any way you can, and to heck with anyone who has a freakin' problem with that."

A new poll says Mississippi is home to the most religious people in the nation. Analysts attribute this to residents constantly looking around and saying "Uuuggghh, Dear God, look at this place!"

Alaska is home to the least religious people in the nation, according to a new report. Most Alaskans say they began questioning the existence of God right about the time Sarah Palin started speaking in public.

Monday, December 21, 2009

AP reports President Obama is naming Hispanics to top posts at a record pace. Conservatives say they’d do the same, but all posts would involve cleaning homes, offices or quickly assembling their burritos at Chipotle.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson is taking heat from both liberals and conservatives for his recent behavior in the health care debate. At this point, the only people willing to be seen in public with him are Joe Lieberman, the state dinner gate crashers and Tiger Woods' publicist.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

General Motors has confirmed that it gave Tiger Woods the Cadillac Escalade that he crashed last month. Stockholders were furious at first, then decided it was good news, shooting down the belief that GM can't even give the vehicles away.

Gillette will limit Tiger Woods' role in marketing. Woods is upset, reportedly recalling vividly that most of his paramours use Gillettte products...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Time magazine reports that college degrees are more expensive than ever, but worth less in the job market. When reached for comment at Walmart cashier counters, hundreds of theatre and broadcasting degree holders said, "Yeah, tell me about it."