The Abu Ghraib prison, notorious for detainee abuse by US forces in 2004, is being officially re-opened and renamed Baghdad Central Prison. Upon learning of the news, ex-President W threw a shoe at the TV. "Sure, now that I don't have to pronounce it."

President Obama says the Treasury Department is now directing employers to cut the amount of taxes being withheld from paychecks. The average American family will see an extra $65 a month. Right-wing radio talk show hosts immediately jumped on the story, infuriating dense listeners. "If the Republican plan was adopted, we would've gotten $500 a year."

Investors wiped out by the Bernard Madoff scandal got more bad news on Friday: Investigators have confirmed suspicions that the monthly statements showing the disgraced financier was making stock trades for them were pure fiction. Most of the investors said they'd like to hit Madoff over the head with books that are pure fiction.