House Democrats plan to take up a resolution rebuking Republican Rep. Joe Wilson for his loud, obnoxious outburst during President Barack Obama's address to Congress last week. If the resolution passes, many hope the Dems will next attempt to rebuke hundreds of talk show hosts for their loud, obnoxious outbursts on AM radio stations all across America every day.

Touring together this summer, Billy Joel and Elton John postponed their Buffalo and Albany concerts this weekend after Joel came down with flu-like symptoms. John offered to make some chicken soup to help, as long as Joel promises not to drive over to get it.

Reacting to public fears of a possible pandemic, many European governments say they will fast-track the testing of a new flu vaccine. Most Americans aren't as worried, mainly because it's summer and they're too busy eating burgers, watching NASCAR races and burping.

In a Tuesday press release, Dell Inc. said that the U.S. personal computer market has reached its low point but that the timing of a global turnaround in the technology industry remains anyone's guess. Reporters seeking additional information were unsuccessful. After 40 minutes on hold, an Indian guy claiming to be "Freddie" said he could only help with real easy tech support questions.

A Russian investment firm says Facebook is worth $6.5 billion to $10 billion. Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg is expected to comment as soon as he gets home from riding his skateboard around the neighborhood.

Doctors say a British girl's heart has healed itself after a transplant. Researchers are amazed and say further studies are needed to see if this would also work in America on right-wing talk show hosts.

French travel agencies have launched insurance coverage for unwanted interruptions to the sunshine. Similar plans are not expected to be offered for those visiting the Buffalo, Rochester and Syracuse areas of New York State, ever.

News reports this evening say Michael Jackson's final resting place remains a mystery. Much like his interim noses.

An advertising executive taken from his burning home after holding his ex-wife hostage in a 13-hour standoff with police was arraigned Wednesday while lying in a Connecticut hospital emergency room. In lieu of speaking with investigators, he is expected to explain his actions using a catchy jingle and resonant voiceover announcer.

David Ebersman, a former executive at biotech firm Genentech, was named Monday as Facebook's chief financial officer. His first assignment will be to determine if Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has any human qualities and really is over age 14.

David Ebersman has been selected as Facebook's chief financial officer. He will take over the position once he has selected his five favorite bands, movies, beers and baseball teams, answered several dozen quizzes, and proved to superiors that he can adequately defend sleazy dating service ads and pages that take 10 minutes to completely load.

Prince needs to have hip replacement surgery. It's troubling for the mysterious singer who always tries to be so cool. The good news is that one more thing in his home is now purple: his ass after even a brief walk.

Sen. John Ensign of Nevada resigned his Republican leadership post Wednesday, one day after confessing marital infidelity. Now, right wing talk show hosts looking for something admirable in Nevada will have to go back to pointing to slot machines and the Chicken Ranch.

The FDA has warned consumers to stop using Zicam products containing zinc gluconate. It has caused many to lose their sense of smell. The FDA will now go on to investigate people who eat Wise potato chips and watch prime-time network TV, since they have obviously lost their sense of taste.