People who own chimpanzees are struggling to find new homes for the animals. The hairy primates can become uncontrollably violent for no apparent reason, must be caged at all times, and even zoos refuse to accept them. Many are calling for special sanctuaries to be set up to house the erratic, dangerous beasts. Others say there already is such a place: right-wing talk radio.

Agence France Presse and Scientists at France's National Centre for Scientific Research say penguins, famous for their cuteness and comic gait on land, also have an enigmatic life at sea, sometimes spending months foraging in the ocean before returning to their breeding grounds. And they're having a lot more fun than I am.

Reports say Manny Ramirez took female hormones to hide his steroid use. Fans suspected something was wrong when the umpire dusted off the plate and Ramirez angrily pointed out that he missed a spot.

Music industry mogul David Geffen reportedly made an offer to buy a 19% stake in the New York Times. The deal fell through when Times editors refused to include the words "Baby, baby" in at least 75% of their news stories.

President Obama praised health industry groups for offering to reduce the growth of spending by $2 trillion a year to overhaul the system. Unfortunately, the ultimate goal is still far off: having someone explain the difference between co-pay, co-insurance, and deductible.

President Obama praised health industry groups for offering to reduce the growth of spending by $2 trillion a year to overhaul the system. In response, Canadians, Brits, and residents of most other civilized nations continued laughing at us.

The Obama administration warned corporate America on Monday that the government will move more aggressively to investigate big firms that improperly dominate markets. In response, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer began wearing a toupee, Groucho glasses, and changed his address to a post office box in Montana.

The oldest known human hairs have been found in hyena dung in Chile. Scientists say they have no idea why Larry King was in Chile, but are certain that the hyenas did not laugh at his jokes.

New jobless claims plunged last week and retail sales improved in April. Quick, someone go drop a pin at Republican National Committee headquarters.

Amazon.com hopes a bigger version of its Kindle eBook reader can be a hit, even though it will cost almost $500. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos made the announcement while looking upwards, presumably also expecting pigs to fly.

Verizon shareholders will vote today on the CEO's pay package. This is the company that turned down the iPhone. The vote is expected to approve a total salary of $14,000 a year, with bathroom privileges down the street at a Shell station.

President Obama and Democratic lawmakers reached agreement on Tuesday on a proposal to offer vouchers of up to $4,500 for people who trade in their cars. The goal of the so-called "cash for clunkers" legislation is to sell one million shiny, brand new, American-made clunkers.

Amazon.com is widely expected to unveil a new Kindle electronic book device with a larger screen Wednesday. The new Kindle will cost at least $359 and, unlike a printed book, will be worth nothing if you drop it from a height of more than three feet.

The directors of the Miss California USA pageant are looking into whether title holder Carrie Prejean violated her contract by working with a national group opposed to gay marriage and by posing semi-nude when she was a teenage model. This news has been very upsetting to the 12 people in America who still care about beauty pageants.

Democratic and Republican senators said Sunday they hope President Barack Obama looks beyond federal judges as he considers a replacement for retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter. Apparently, they want the Supreme Court to be cast like a reality TV show.

A new test version of Microsoft's Windows 7 leads many to believe the final version will be released in time for this year's holiday season. If it happens, people all over the world will be able to observe Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, and hundreds of new ways for their computers to frustrate them.