Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Fox News launched a new Web site, FoxNation.com, on Monday, featuring columns, blogs and videos by the network's personalities. Contributors include Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Greta Van Susteren. Fox says the site will increase the network's online reach, making it possible to piss people off without even having to turn on the TV.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Hundreds of Australians celebrated in Queensland on Sunday as thousands of poisonous cane toads were were killed. It was the first annual "Toad Day Out" festival. For next year's event, organizers are hoping for a special appearance by Rush Limbaugh.

In a visit to Malawi, Madonna refused to answer rumors that she would begin proceedings this week to adopt a young girl there. This, mainly because only about 12 people in the entire world would be interested.

The giant, fast-moving Internet worm that has infected at least 3 million PCs is set to do even greater damage on Wednesday — April Fools' Day. Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer attempted to convince reporters that he's really not such a bad guy.

Scientists from UT Austin have discovered big-eyed, blob-like animals adapted to darkness that could change what we believe about evolution. The late-night radio talk show hosts said they want a daytime gig, but there just aren't any openings.

Friday, March 27, 2009

U.S. consumer spending rose by 0.2 percent in February. The Commerce Department attributes the increase to a guy in Ohio purchasing a large size package beef jerky at the Wal-Mart Supercenter.

"The Haunting in Connecticut" debuts in theatres this weekend. A family experiences supernatural behavior in their new home: they are able to stay awake through a speech by Joe Lieberman.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Pirates hijacked two chemical tankers off the Somali coastline within 24 hours this week. They would have taken a third, but they were busy finishing up resumes to send to AIG.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An AIG executive who received a bonus worth more than $742,000 after taxes has resigned publicly — in an Op-Ed column in The New York Times. He is expected to take a job with the Keebler company, citing his experience with his hand in the jar.

Postmaster General John Potter warned today that he financially strapped U.S. Postal Service will run out of money this year without help from Congress. Congress said he can expect an answer sometime between next Tuesday and Friday, unless he applies $2.50 more in stamps.

The Canadian Broadcasting Corp. plans to sell $125 million worth of assets and cut up to 800 jobs to make up for a $171 million budget shortfall. The laid off workers will be replaced by one guy who'll run up and down Portage Street in Winnipeg, shouting the news into a megaphone.

Monday, March 23, 2009

A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with production of brain chemicals that cause them to make and maintain friendships. And buy lots of shoes.

...Researches say there is no comparable response in men...unless you count the Budweiser.

South Africa barred the Dalai Lama from a peace conference in Johannesburg this week, saying it did not want to endanger the government’s relationship with China. Sure, peace is good, but cheap toys and furniture are what people really want.

…The Dalai Lama is also expected to be barred from upcoming peace conferences at the headquarters of Wal-Mart, Target, and Dollar Tree.

“Today” show co-host Matt Lauer took Monday off after a weekend bicycle accident. He suffered bruises, a displaced shoulder, and scratches to the full-length mirror he carries with him at all times.

…Lauer says the accident would have been much worse if his can of hairspray exploded.

In a “60 Minutes” interview on Sunday, President Obama said anger isn’t a governing strategy. But, for some reason, it’s a great way to keep people listening to Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Gov. Sarah Palin said Thursday that she would accept only 69 percent of the estimated $930 million dollars in Stimulus funds available to her state. Palin rejects money with strings attached. Unless the strings are attached to lovely dresses from Nieman Marcus.